Episode Five: Let’s Hear It For The (Sensitive) Boy(s)*

Sun rises at the Tamaya Resort in New Mexico, and the guys are happy to greet the Thomas-free day. 

Wait, stop: are Greg and Connor B. cuddling? I mean, I hope they are. I’m glad to see men showing that kind of platonic support and friendship. But I want to know the story behind it. Does Connor B. have a sad past, and was Greg comforting him? Were they watching Netflix on an iPad, and had to sit close together to see the screen? Did the Tamaya turn the heat off? More details please!

No answers are forthcoming, but in many ways this moment sets the tone for the episode, where we see the guys generally being nice to each other, and open with their emotions. More of that, please.

Tayshia comes in and tells the guys that someone from her past, who she says she trusts (which I question, like, does she really? When did we see that? I remember her having a pretty bad case of the icks with Blake during her season), will be joining the house because Katie wants to explore her connection with him, thus ruining the joy they felt at getting rid of Thomas. When Blake walks in he senses the tension immediately, and indeed, the members of the United Men of Katie’s Bachelorette Labor Union (UMKBLU) are, to put it mildly, not happy. 

The producers twist the screws just a little bit more by giving Blake the first date card. Blake acknowledges that this is the best-case scenario for him, not so much for the guys. I mean, hey, guys, look on the bright side: if it doesn’t go well, Blake’s going home immediately, right? 

Katie faces the UMKBLU firing squad, such as it is. It’s awkward. The guys aren’t super talkative. But with what is becoming her trademark sincerity, Katie was basically all, “Yeah, I value each of my relationships here, but I also feel a connection with Blake, and this is my fucking show, and my fucking life, and if I feel a connection with someone, I’m going to pursue it.” And then she drops the mic, throws up her arms, says “That, my friends, is what they call ‘Sex-Positive!’” and shimmies out the door.

OK. It wasn’t quite like that. But it felt like the polite, sanitized, Bachelor Universe version of that. 

Katie and Blake go horseback riding. He asks if she travels a lot, and she’s just barely able to get out that she’s been to Ireland and Taiwan before Blake jumps in and shows us that his question was basically an excuse to talk about how he’s been to “Africa” to advocate for animals. (Hey, Blake: if you love and respect “Africa” so fucking much, please acknowledge that Africa is not a country and be specific, please.)

Oh also they kiss and Katie likes it. 

Worth noting: coming back from commercial break, the show throws up a card that’s basically a content or trigger warning that we’re about to watch some tough talks about sexual assault. I can’t recall having ever seen something like this before. Did we get this warning before Katie revealed her assault to the guys on the “worst thing you’ve ever done” group date?

Blake, however, was not on that group date, and I’m sure he was not at all pressured by producers (/s) to ask Katie why she’s so sex positive. But he does ask. I think Blake is just really, really horny, and he probably wasn’t expecting the answer Katie gave, which is a story we already know, but at least he seems moved by her story and takes it seriously. 

Closed captioning tells me that “tender music” is playing, so I guess this has gone as well as could be expected? The show then tells me that Laine Hardy is playing, and it sounds like country music. Google then tells me that Laine Hardy won the 2019 season of American Idol, and he’s also a Louisiana-raised country singer of Korean descent, and even though I genuinely do not enjoy most country music and genuinely feel like the country music scene is very problematic, I also genuinely appreciate that ABC gave this platform to this singer. 

The group date is the next day. It’s apparently wrestling? No, it’s rugby? Basketball? A totally made up game called Bash Ball, which requires a wrestling uniform. Narration provided by Bachelor Nation’s Wells Adams and Franco LaCosta, the “wedding photographer” from other Bachelor/ette seasons who doesn’t seem to know what physical boundaries are and who I’m not entirely convinced is a real person.

Okay. Hunter’s giving off some really intense aggressive energy and it makes me uncomfortable. He’s that guy who brags about being extremely “competitive” like it’s his personality when in reality it just highlights his codependence and emptiness. He takes out a bunch of guys during the game, including Michael A. in what looks like an incredibly painful tackle, and it’s bad enough that Katie calls it off and invites both teams to the “after party,” where she makes out with Michael A. first. Ha! Take that, Hunter!

Connor B. wrote a cute little song for Katie and plays it for her on his guitar. I really can’t read Katie’s face, because I thought she didn’t like it but it actually moved her to tears. They make out and I’m temporarily blinded by the fact that Connor B.’s shirt is unbuttoned downs to practically his pants, like, is this a thing we have to deal with now? Men don’t take up enough space in this world, they’re now going to make me look at their bare chests even when they’re wearing clothes? Please, please don’t let this be a thing.

Hunter has been bragging all night that he’s just so confident in his “relationship” with Katie that I would have sworn that it was foreshadowing that he was being sent home, tonight, but I’m wrong. He shows Katie pictures of him with his kids and they make out. His kissing style is, unsurprisingly, aggressive.

And then, some surprising sensitivity amidst the guy talk. On the group date, when Katie is somehow not around, Michael A., after talking about what a beautiful thing love is when you find it, and how important it is to appreciate it, tells the guys his story. Yep, it’s still sad. Super sad, made even super super sadder because the previous day was, apparently, his wife’s birthday. Greg says he had no idea, because of the way Michael A. carries himself, and Michael A. says that he held off on telling the story because he didn’t want to just be seen as the “sad dude.” The guys are, again, for the most part, appropriately flummoxed and saddened and don’t know what to say. Greg is crying, Michael A. is crying, Tre looks so sad he can hardly speak, and I, again, genuinely appreciate this moment of grown men who are grown enough to show all the emotions that grown men have, and just fucking cry, because sometimes that’s what you need. 

What a breath of fresh air compared to Hunter’s “I’m here to fuck some guys UP” energy. (Worth noting: Hunter definitely didn’t cry as Michael A. was telling his story.)

And then Greg comes over and hugs Michael A. and says “Love you, buddy,” and now I’m crying. Damn.

Then, in a thing that can only happen in the world of The Bachelor, Greg takes Michael A.’s words—remember, they’re both competing for the same girl—as motivation to “step it up” for Katie. Like … I get that, but also, it’s a little weird? Because both Greg and Michael A. obviously have their own connections with Katie, which is fine, but to go from “love you, buddy” to “I’m so inspired by your story I’m going to turn up my efforts to win the girl you’re also falling for” is quite a specific jump, is all I’m saying. 

When Greg goes to talk to Katie, she tells him he has “resting sad face.” Poor Greg! But Greg, apparently feeling open and expressive, tells Katie that he’s crazy about her. She said she was worried that he would leave after Blake joined, and he promised he’ll “tough it out for her.” They make out. I think Katie really really likes him.

Group rose goes to … Hunter? What the actual hell? The guy who aggro’d out and actually hurt people you care about? Ew. No, Katie, no!

I mean, not to get all Zapruder film here, but I think this was a producer pick. Usually Katie would give an explanation or some kind of speech as to why her chosen recipient is getting the rose, but tonight she just basically was all, “I had a great time, Hunter you want this rose? Yes? Cool okay I’m out byeeeeeee.” No nice speech, no real conflict, just giving the rose to Hunter and bouncing out. Feels suspect to me.

Andrew S. gets the second one-on-one date of the week. It starts late, apparently, although the show doesn’t specify what is “late.” Katie, with lanterns, leads Andrew S. into the woods and there’s an elaborate setup with lights and envelopes with ice-breaker prompts like “show me your best dance move” and “make an animal sound” and honestly I’m just grateful not to have to listen to fake British accents.

Of course, since this is a Very Serious Episode of The Bachelorette, things get heavy when an envelope prompts Katie to ask the question: “What is something you’ve learned from your parents’ relationship?” Andrew says it’s more about what he’s learned not to do and Katie’s all, hard same, dude. For Andrew, what he learned was to never leave his partner hanging, and for Katie, it was to not settle. Andrew tears up a little bit, but then they kiss and they both seem to be having fun. 

The honest conversation continues into the “dinner” part of the date, which, are they serving broccoli at like 2 a.m.? I guess it doesn’t matter since neither of them eat. Anyway, topic: Andrew reminds us that his father was incarcerated when Andrew was six years old, and I know this is a gross oversimplification, but Andrew grew up wondering how a father could not want to be there for his kids. Andrew swore that he wouldn’t miss a moment of his kids’ lives. Katie says she relates, and they both want a healthy marriage, and it’s a nice moment. 

And then Andrew’s all, hey, speaking of kids, you know that I’m a Black man, and you’re a white woman, so we would be in what they call an “interracial relationship” and if we had kids, they would be what they call “mixed-race,” right? Katie is aware, yes. Andrew then tells Katie that an ex-girlfriend was concerned about having mixed-race kids that … didn’t look like her, I think? That’s definitely not what I was expecting him to say. Concerns about whether the kids would face harassment, or questions about how to make sure the kids felt like they belonged to a community, yes, but a (presumably white) woman being concerned that her mixed-race kids wouldn’t look like her? If I’m understanding that correctly, that sounds kind of awful. 

Katie is moved to tears and says it breaks her heart that Andrew experienced that. She also talks about feeling naïve as a white woman to what struggles Andrew faces as a Black man, particularly the struggles he’d face dating a white woman, and oh yeah, she doesn’t give a fuck about what people like that would say. She says she’d be a super protective “mama bear” … and then acknowledges that her feeling that way could in and of itself be more white-woman naivety, and I feel like in this moment I can relate to Katie? I spend a not-inconsiderable amount of time wondering how much of my attitudes and approaches to things are a result of that same white-woman naivety. All of it, probably. 

Sidebar: I really like the way Andrew brought this up. He said he hates that he even has to talk about it, but he wants to talk about it because he can see a future with Katie. Because, yeah, in a real-world dating situation, kids wouldn’t normally come up on the first date, although it is better to be on the same page about kids generally sooner in a relationship than later. But I liked the way Andrew brought it up. It felt genuine. 

Anyway, Katie and Andrew are both thrilled about how the date is going and they squeeze themselves into a jacuzzi tub and drink champagne and toast and kiss and Andrew gets the rose. He interviews that he’s a “happy man” which makes me wonder if they had sex in that teeny tiny tub?

Finally, after a pretty emotional episode with plenty of heavy moments—let’s see, we’ve covered sexual assault, grief, parental incarceration, mixed-race relationships and children—we get to the rose ceremony. Someone comments that there’s been the least amount of drama going into this rose ceremony but it also feels the most intense. Now that’s some foreshadowing!

But before things get weird, they get a little cute, when Justin presents Katie with a little get-to-know-each-other game to see if they like the same things. One thing they do agree on is they’d rather give up a year of music than a year of sex, which is nice. 

But then. In the room of men, Tre says he’s happy, but also sad that some guys may get their hearts broken. Hunter, in an interview, brags about the “awesome” Bash Ball date where he literally hurt another person, says that all he can think about is one-on-one dates with Katie, and does that thing where he says something along the lines of “as far as I’m concerned, it’s just me and Katie going forward,” which is a strategy that some have used, but it’s never won. Usually lines like that are just a prelude to immediate and dramatic dismissal. 

Hunter’s turned-up-to-eleven obnoxiousness continues when he leads Kate to a stargazing setup he has for their “one-and-a-half-week anniversary,” as though that’s a thing that exists. He says he brought the telescope from home, and I’m sorry but I just don’t believe him, and says he has it set on Orion’s Belt, and I yell at my TV NO, that inside joke already exists between Katie and Michael A., so please back off right now, HUNTER.

Hunter does not back down. But neither does the guy whose name I forgot but it’s the guy who showed up in a box. He interrupts Hunter’s weird “anniversary” date-within-a-rose-ceremony but Aggro Hunter is all NOPE so Box Guy steps away for a few minutes and then comes back and insists that Hunter give him The Katie, right now. 

Hunter relents, but then all but shakes his fist at the camera by vowing revenge, in the form of getting more time with Katie. 

I don’t know. Hunter is acting awfully entitled. He sits down with Tre, Aaron, and Box Guy, and is all sorry-not-sorry, because literally everything is a competition. But also, here’s how we know Hunter is full of shit: in an interview, as he’s saying he doesn’t care what the other guys think of him, he also says: “They can sit and let that fester, as I’m having my one-on-one with her, falling more in— falling more for her.” And his face, and that little chuckle and “oops, busted!” smile when he realizes that he almost said “falling more in love with her” and stopped himself just in time, gives the whole thing away. He isn’t there for her. He’s there to “win,” because he has decided that “competitive” is his personality, and the producers see him as the best source of drama going forward. 

Roses go to: Greg, Aaron, Michael A., Connor B., James (aka Box Guy), Justin, Mike P. (aka the Virgin), Brendan, Tre.

Goodbye to: Quartney, and two other guys whose names I don’t know. I think one is named Josh. 

Weird thing that happened that I couldn’t find a place for: Quartney wrapped himself in toilet paper and said he’ll always be there when “shit goes down.” Ha? I guess?

Tag Scene: The guy the show says is named Franco does exercises with the guys before the Bash Ball game, yelling at them to open up their chakras, because using Hindu and Buddhist traditions as punchlines is hilarious! Yes, even in 2021! Cool, right?