Episode 4: Guess Who’s Back? Blake. Blake is Back.

You remember Blake. He’s from Clare/Tayshia’s season. He’s known for getting mad that he read a whole book on Alzheimer’s just to be able to relate to Clare and she didn’t even like him! He gets erections in awkward moments, and he’s obsessed with his genitalia, which I guess to the producers of this show means he’s compatible with our “sex-positive” Bachelorette, Katie. Because being a woman who is open about enjoying sex means being totally okay with creepy, horny guys doing their creepy, horny things whenever they want, and then getting mad when you don’t like them back! What could go wrong?

But we’ll get there. First, let’s attend to some of the usual Bachelorette business.

First group date: Katie’s group date “game” of “Truth or Dare, a retread of the “Dare” date from Tayshia’s season (which, full circle, is the season that brought us Blake), involves making carb-phobic guys eat Twinkies and cake, hearing bad accents from Andrew S. and Greg, man-waxing, and then making the guys eat hot peppers on a group date, because apparently love means never having to say you’re sorry … to your digestive tract. 

I don’t love how Katie, joined by Tayshia and Kaitlyn, find this all so hilarious, but all is forgiven when Katie shows up to the nighttime part of the date in a sparkly coat-dress that I deeply, deeply covet. 

During this date, Katie told Greg she’s starting to fall for him! What? That’s not usually how it goes! The suitors need to shower her with “starting to fall”s and “I can see our future”s but I guess on the other hand Katie takes charge of her shit and I respect that she says what she feels. Greg seems to like it too because they make out for a little while.

And there’s yet another effort to unionize, this time against Thomas. Andrew S. isn’t so sure he wants to pay the annual dues, because it’s just creating drama. Tre thinks Andrew S. not joining the United Men of Katie’s Bachelorette Labor Union (UMKBLU) is pretty much the same as Thomas-levels of manipulation. He’s complicit! Tre goes full union-rep during his time with Katie and tells her that after being harangued by the guys multiple times that morning, Thomas admitted that he had come on the show, at least in part, to maybe, one day, possibly be The Bachelor. Quelle horreur, etc. etc.

It actually all works out pretty well for Tre, who gets the group date rose. See? Unions work!

The next day, Tayshia visits Katie. She has something to tell her. Something serious. She tells Katie that a guy from her (Tayshia’s) past contacted Tayshia and basically begged her to get him on Katie’s season, because he can’t stop thinking about Katie, which sounds totally normal, right? Tayshia doesn’t tell Katie who it is, because Katie will have to discover that for herself when she goes to meet a stranger in the middle of the New Mexico desert.

Fortunately (?), the stranger is Blake. They hug, she’s polite, he makes his pitch. He tells her that she “intrigued” him from the second she appeared on Matt James’s season, and he thinks they’d be great together. Katie is concerned that he has already “dated” two Bachelorettes, and also that she’s making connections with guys in the house. Blake does not say whether he read a whole book on vibrators (although it wouldn’t surprise me if he had). 

Emotional intermission: Katie is conflicted over Blake and also Thomas. She talks about it with Kaitlyn and Tayshia. She doesn’t come to a conclusion.

Return to regular programming: Fortunately, Thomas, aware of the fact that the guys are trashing him to her, decides to shoot his shot and seek out Katie before the rose ceremony – but not before her hair and makeup is done, because, like any good Bachelor, Thomas knows how to bring the drama! 

He cops to having had the thought that he may have come out of Katie’s season as the next Bachelor. When Katie says she doesn’t agree, and he interrupts her, she says “Let me talk,” so thank you for that, Katie. She lets him talk for a little while and then tells him she’ll see him at the rose ceremony, and gives him just a one-armed hug when he leaves her room. Not a great sign!

(He also tells her he can’t stand by while his integrity is “demonsterized” and for that alone I would eject him right then and there. On the spot. No questions, no excuses.)

When Thomas gets back to the group of guys, we get a little peek into how things work because apparently it’s freaking midnight and they haven’t even started the cocktail party. I’m tired just thinking about that. The guys start fighting and yelling at each other so maybe they need a nap, too. 

We then see a series of guys spending their time with Katie living up to their UMKBLU obligations and telling her that they agree that Thomas isn’t there for the right reasons. Except for Michael, who spends his time with Katie reminiscing about their date and talking about what he likes about Katie because he’s been through some shit and knows what’s important.

At the rose ceremony, Thomas, wearing a Scarlet Coat of Contrition, steps forward to apologize to her in front of everyone, as though it’s going to make a difference at this point. Justin, of course, reacts with his face. 

Roses go to a bunch of guys, some whose names I still don’t know, but it doesn’t matter because what we really care about is the fact that Katie called Thomas’s name last but not to give him a rose! He approaches her and starts to hug her and she steps back, and all of Bachelor Nations’ collective jaw hits the floor because next she says this:

“You told me things I wanted to hear. But what I learned about you tonight, is you’re selfish unkind, and a liar. Your Bachelor audition ends tonight. So get out.”

YES, KATIE. Yes. Thank you for that. 

The guys are pleased with the effects of the UMKBLU’s work in getting Thomas voted off the island, but I have a feeling their joy will be short-lived, because Katie marches right over to Blake’s room, where Blake was definitely sleeping because it’s after the rose ceremony that started at midnight, and Katie asks him to stay. He accepts, of course, and they have a cute goodbye. 

Oh, and Blake locked himself out of his room, and is stuck outside barefoot, in just his boxer briefs and sweatshirt, in the very early morning hours. Welcome back to The Bachelorette, Blake!

Next week, on The Bachelorette: Blake drama, Hunter drama, and group date wrestling drama. And probably some other drama. 

Other loose petals: 

-       The guys are still shocked, shocked! that the thought of possibly being The Bachelor had crossed Thomas’s mind, and I am annoyed, annoyed! at all this pearl-clutching. So is Andrew S., apparently, who just doesn’t seem to care.

-       Did Andrew S. bring Katie tacos from “T-Bell”? As in … Taco Bell? First of all, don’t call it that. Second of all, you are in freaking New Mexico. They absolutely have better tacos than what “T-Bell” (ugh) has to offer. I mean, did no one tell you about New Mexico’s legendary breakfast burritos? Wake up and smell the Hatch green chile, man. 

-       It turns out that Katie and Blake have a little bit of a history—apparently they were chatting on the DMs before her season started, so is this another Kaitlyn-Nick situation?

Tag scene: Katie, Kaitlyn, and Tayshia try the habanero peppers. Turns out, they’re legitimately hot.