Season 17, Episode 6: Real Men Kiss Each Other Goodbye

Threshold question: Seriously, who is doing these voiceovers for the “Coming Up” intro bits?

I guess it doesn’t matter, because the show is still host-free, voiceover or not, so Katie is still putting in double the mental and emotional labor by not only living her Bachelorette experience but also recapping it for Kaitlyn and Tayshia.

Oh and she also issued an edict that the contestants are not allowed to masturbate, although she refers to it as “self-care.” Okay? I guess? She calls it the “WOWO” challenge, for “Week Off Whack Off.” Lovely. Good thing the guys can just entertain themselves by coming up with other metaphors for masturbation, apparently.

Hunter tries to fuck with Greg’s head by suggesting that Katie already has her final four picked out, and it’s Greg, Connor, and, of course, Hunter. I wonder if this is… could it be … is this what they call… foreshadowing? /s

(Not entirely unrelated: the United Men of Katie’s Bachelorette Labor Union (UMKBLU) has decided that Hunter is their next target, which I’m totally fine with, even if I don’t love the whole mean-girl vibe the Union gives me.)

Justin gets the one-on-one date. It’s a “wedding date,” featuring Bachelor Nation’s wedding “photographer” who they call “Franco.” “Franco” encourages Justin to write (fake) vows for Katie that will be “marvelous” and “iconic” so, like, no pressure on your first actual date with Katie, Justin!

The Bachelorette briefly morphs into Married at First Sight as Justin and Katie “exchange” “vows,” and, like, it’s fine. Actually, it’s not fine, it’s super weird, and also there’s no fake officiant, which makes it weirder. I mean, at least there’s cake?

During the nighttime part of the date, Katie breaks some news by telling Justin that the thought of getting married is hard for her for a few reasons: first, her dad died a few years ago, and second … she later found out that the person who she thought was her father wasn’t actually her biological father! This seems like a really big deal, and a part of Katie’s story we haven’t heard before. Man, Katie has been through a lot.

She feels safe with Justin, though, and gives him a rose. They go for a private concert by someone named MAX who is rocking a look I can only describe as 70s-lounge-singer-chic: high-waisted black trousers, silk blouse with a wide open collar and cuffs, microphone. You get it. 

The next day, the group date starts off with a couple of “all-star” drag queens. This confuses Blake, who doesn’t know how to handle this in an authentic way, which for Blake means being super-horny but also extra-heteronormative. The queens start by throwing some shade at Hunter, which normally I’d be ok with, but they were making fun of his height, which brings to mind two thoughts: 1) that’s super unfair, because our height is literally one of the things we cannot control, plus Hunter has already given us plenty of actual reasons to dislike him, and also 2) don’t anger the Hunter! It will only turn him into aggro Hunter, and aggro Hunter hurts people!

The theme for the date is “throwing shade,” or, basically, the guys are supposed to roast each other. James goes first, and he basically makes a pitch that he’s in the lead and everyone else is competing for second place. Greg goes second with a nice, harmless little poem. The drag queens are not impressed, so they ask the guys who is least compatible with Katie. They say Hunter, and call him out for his “final four” list, which he denies making. I mean, Hunter knows how this works, right? He knows that there’s a tape of him telling Greg who he thinks the final four are, right?

Anyway, when asked how he feels, Hunter says he’s absolutely falling in love with Katie. Tre, who previously overheard Hunter say he’s not in love with Katie, calls Hunter out immediately, and the other guys pile on, pointing out that he’s a “superfan” who has commented on Bachelorette blogs and forums. When given the chance to hit back, Hunter just made a half-assed pitch to Katie. 

Katie starts the nighttime portion of the date with a vague threat that some of connections she has with some of the guys aren’t enough to get them to the hometown dates, and tonight’s their chance to prove otherwise. The guys take this as a veiled reference to Hunter, but I’m not sure they’re right.

She talks to Andrew first and they’re doing fine, connection-wise, so they kiss a little bit. Next, she tells Greg that she’s falling for him, and I’m starting to get a little concerned that he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings. Blake tells Katie that he will sacrifice his once-a-day masturbation habit for her, like what a hero, and when Katie asks if that means they shouldn’t kiss, they wait about a half a second before eating each other’s faces. 

James, Tre, and, of course, Aaron, all use some of their time with Katie to tell her they’re concerned about Hunter. This is not the assignment Katie gave at the start of class, guys! She literally asked you to prove your connections to her, and this isn’t it.

Katie finally pulls Hunter in for some one-on-one time, and she confronts him about some of what she’s heard. He’s super sincere in his response and it goes really well and Katie is totally comforted! Just kidding. She lets him blah blah blah for a little bit, but then ends the conversation and literally goes to the bathroom to throw up. So that’s not great. She ends the night. There is no group date rose. The guys don’t know where they stand with Katie, to which I say: good.

Connor B. gets the second one-on-one date. He’s so happy to get the date that he blushes a lot and it clashes with his oversized acid-wash denim jacket that I’m fairly certain I also had when I was in 8th grade. He’s also extremely confident going into the date, and I already have a headache from all the anvils falling on my head.

Things start out well enough, with Connor running toward Katie and Katie leaping into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist. As you do, as a total grownup woman. But Katie interviews that while she really likes Connor, they’re missing a physical connection. Their date is basically a hangout with Kaitlyn and her fiancé Jason Tartick, who was a contestant on Becca’s season. They’re both huge fans of Connor, who, in addition to writing cute little songs, can also make a dad joke out of any topic. 

Kaitlyn tries to convince Katie of the benefit of having a strong friendship before a romantic relationship, because that’s what she and Jason had. Katie is just hoping for a great kiss. And they do kiss, but … was it great? As we go to commercial, we don’t know.

But as soon as we come back from commercial, we do know: it was not great. We know this because Connor, dressed in nice coat for a nice evening date, is interviewing that he’s very confident about the date! He want’s Katie to meet his family! He wants a future with her!

We also see Katie, looking conflicted, wearing a cropped hoodie and jeans (admittedly, cute! But definitely not date attire). We see Katie take a few deep breaths, exhale a few deep sighs. We see Kate go to the room where Connor is getting ready, and knock on the door. 

And then, we see Katie break up with Connor. It’s rough. Katie is crying. Connor is confused at first, but then he gets it, and he’s crying, while also reassuring Katie that it’s fine, and encouraging her to “just breathe” while he also gently, sadly wiping tears from her face. The whole thing has a real Lisa-Rips-Ralph’s-Heart-In-Half vibe to it. 

Connor asks what happens, and honestly, the long and short of it is, Katie doesn’t like kissing him. She phrases it a little more nicely than that, saying that something is missing when they kiss, and it’s the only time that she feels like anything is missing. Connor, in an interview, asks “How bad of a kisser am I?” which is just sad to watch. It’s ok, Connor! Just because you’re not a good kisser with Katie doesn’t mean you won’t be a good kisser with someone else!

But I don’t feel too bad for Connor. He and his unbuttoned shirts are heading to Bachelor in Paradise! See you in a little while, Connor!

He also manages to make his way back to the group of guys to say goodbye, which is a departure from the usual “Gasp! The valet is taking his luggage away!” scene we usually get when one-on-one date doesn’t end with a rose. The guys hug, Tre is in tears (possibly because he thinks he and Connor are similar and this has shaken his confidence), and even Hunter looks like he’s trying to squeeze out some tears. 

We also see Michael A. kiss Connor on the side of his face (in a sweet friendly supportive way, not in a movie-mobster kind of way) and that is just truly, truly great. I’m so glad the producers left that in, honestly. Men should express affection for each other in ways that are supportive and non-toxic and we should see it, and Bachelor Nation especially should see it. 

But we hardly have time to mourn Connor, because as we are watching Katie cry in her room, we also see Blake go full Lloyd Dobler outside her hotel room, except instead of Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes,” and a boom box, it’s Laine Hardy’s “Memorize You” and a ... speaker in a box? (“Memorize You,” you’ll recall, is the song Katie and Blake danced to at their one-on-one date.) Katie tells Blake to come on up and they kiss and make out. Katie says she wished she looked cuter, and Blake says she looks great and he “likes raw,” which, ew, but also it’s a good intention, so it’s ok.

Katie is thrilled by this turn of events, and I have to say, this is a good move on Blake’s part. Generally, guys who are emotionally supportive of the Bachelorette, even—maybe especially—when it doesn’t have anything to do with them, go pretty far. 

(Shout out to the cheeky editors here, who cut together Blake interviewing that this is his love story, and he’s looking forward to his happy ending, with footage of him hanging the “do not disturb” sign on his door and cutting to a sprinkler going off. WOWO challenge, indeed.)

Katie starts off the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party by cancelling said cocktail party. She knows what she wants, and what she wants is to focus on the relationships that are already forming. She literally says “I want to thank you for your time,” which I guess is nice, and it looks like the guys who should be worried are, indeed worried. 

The rose ceremony starts with Katie saying Hunter’s name first. Ugh. But wait! She asks Hunter if they can go outside to talk. He has no choice but to say yes, so they head outside, with Katie still holding a rose—a fact not overlooked by the remaining men. After an unspecified amount of time, Hunter comes back in, rose-less—again, not overlooked by the remaining men.

Roses go to: Blake, Andrew, Greg, Michael A. (honestly we could just stop here and I’d be fine), Mike P., Brendan. 

We say goodbye to: Hunter! Tre! Aaron! James, the guy who showed up in a box! Some of them have some regrets about the way they acted, and the things they said. Bye, Hunter! Don’t let the Anvils of Foreshadowing hit you on your head on the way out!

Next week, on The Bachelorette: Honestly, it’s hard to tell. There’s drama, tears, crying, hyperventilating, whispering, Katie jumping into the arms of someone who could be Andrew but I can’t be sure. 

Tag scene: Katie and the All-Star Drag Queens drinking spiked tea and talking about kissing. Katie says Greg is the best kisser. Kissing is super important to Katie, so I’m saying it’s Greg for the win!