Episode 3 : Honestly, This Feels Kind of Real

Previously, on The Bachelorette: … nothing, I guess? So we’re not doing Previouslies? No voiceover from a host whose name I definitely don’t remember?

Okay, then. Instead we get “Tonight, on The Bachelorette.” As I learned when I used to spend my days writing TV news stories: tell them what you’re going to tell them. Here we go. 

We pick up where we left off, with the guys being mad that Karl dropped some vague hints about some bad things that some guys said at some point, and by “vague hints” I mean “total lies” because that’s what it looks like, and the guys know it. There’s a lot of “bro” and “dude” and “not here for the right reasons” being thrown around, and Katie’s crying. 

But of course she gets her shit together and power-walks back into the room and announces that she’s tapped out. She has no more fucks to give to any of them tonight, so she’s going to skip straight to the rose ceremony. Greg comes in to comfort her, while Karl continues to try to gaslight all the guys into thinking one of them is there for the wrong reasons (which, I’m sure at least a few of them are, but even a broken clock is right twice a day).

Karl gets ready for the rose ceremony by shadowboxing. Okay.

Katie continues to host the show all by herself and I hope they’re paying her more than they pay other Bachelorettes, but on the other hand this depiction of the unpaid costs of emotional labor might be the closest thing to real life I’ve seen on this show.

Katie starts handing out roses and it’s all going fine … but wait! One of the guys (Mike? Chris? I don’t know yet. Please don’t make me know yet.) goes full union rep and tells Katie that the guys, in solidarity, want her to know that they think Karl is lying. Katie asks the guys if they all, as a group, feel this way, and there isn’t an overwhelming number of yeas vs. nays, so Katie – again, without any support from any host or literally anyone – excuses herself and walks out … straight to Kaitlyn and Tayshia, who are apparently just hanging out in a room? Why aren’t they doing some of the hosting duties? 

What they are doing is basically telling Katie “you’re on your own” but in the language of Girlboss Empowerment talk, so, thanks? But when Katie’s down to her final rose, they do come out and tell the guys what they already know, so at least there’s that. 

And … no rose for Karl! He doesn’t say a word to Katie before leaving, although he does do this thing where he kind of stares at her, turns her back on her, and then walks out. It’s super creepy and weird and a little threatening, but at least he leaves quietly, which can also fairly describe at least 75% of interactions women have with men on the street or in the store or basically anywhere at any given time, and we know Katie knows this because she just quietly ignores him as we are taught to do in real life. 

The next day: dudes in a hot tub! Now, I love a hot tub outside during a desert winter, but this whole gathering gives me serious dads-having-a-beer-in-a-hot-tub-after-a-day-of-skiing vibes. 

There’s a group date that isn’t really described, and it’s kind of funny to watch all the guys analyze what it “means” that “Katie” didn’t “write” a heart or “Love, Katie” on the date card, as if Katie has literally anything to do with those date cards, but when the guys gather to walk over to the date, all I can see is Connor B.’s shirt which is unbuttoned practically to his naval. It’s distracting, and not in a good way. 

Katie tells the guys she has a friend there to help her, and it’s Nick Viall! Why is it just now occurring to me that Nick and Katie should get together? I think that would be great! Also is it weird that Nick is there even though Kaitlyn is also, presumably, on the premises? 

They all sit in a circle because apparently production is trying to spend exactly zero dollars wherever possible, and Nick tells the guys that now is the time to confess their sins. What have they done in the past that they’re not ashamed of? Are any of them there with intentions to be the next Bachelor? Is this group therapy? It feels like group therapy and the darkness behind these guys feels as deep and dark as some of these guys’ souls might be.

Hunter’s big sin is that his “priorities shifted” after his second child was born and he was no longer committed to his marriage. Aaron trauma bonded romantically with a girl and then decided maybe he wasn’t as into her as he originally thought. We get a music-heavy montage of other confessions including choosing career over love, breaking trust, and I guess some other things.

Thomas confesses that he “wasn’t there for the right reasons” at first, because he didn’t know who Katie was. He even went on a date with someone a week before he came on the show! But now he’s glad he “leaned in” to the potential and his feelings for her are real. He seems highly untrustworthy! Aaron agrees with me. 

Connor B. goes last and he’s already kind of crying, because what he’s about to say, he wanted to tell Katie in private, and this isn’t the story where he’s the “good guy.” When he was a young 24 or 25 (and not the wise sage he is now at 29), he was a miserable PhD student spending his nights getting blackout drunk at a piano bar. Apparently he said and did some awful things during these times, as he would hear from his friends, and one night apparently got so drunk and so high that he picked a fight with his girlfriend and then … he … cheated on her. 

Wait. That’s it? He cheated on her? I swear I thought he was going to say he sexually assaulted someone, or got behind the wheel of the car and hit someone. I mean, cheating’s not great, but if that’s the worst thing you’ve ever done – and, from what it sounds like, the only time you ever did it – you’re doing all right, my dude.  

Last, it’s Katie’s turn. She starts out by saying the sex-positive Katie before us today hasn’t always been there, and that’s because ten years ago, she was sexually assaulted at a New Year’s Eve party. She describes it as a situation where consent was not given. Katie hasn’t talked about this before, not even with her mom, and I don’t love that she self-blamed by first saying that she had been drinking. 

After the assault, Katie was in so much denial about what happened that she tried to form a relationship with her attacker, which obviously was unhealthy. Her attitude toward sex was also unhealthy. She’s come a long way in ten years, and now she knows that things like communication, and communication about sex, are crucial. She interviews that she blamed herself for a lot of years for being too drunk, or too stupid, but now she knows that it’s not her fault, because consent is required, and she didn’t give it. 

So, to sum up: the guys’ deepest darkest secrets are cheating, divorce, maybe choosing career over love. 

Katie’s is violence. 

Again, this feels like a pretty close-to-life episode that reflects the realities of many women. And I don’t know if Katie will end up with any of these guys, either in this room or on this show, but I’m very glad she used her time on this show to discuss consent, even though a lot of the guys looked very uncomfortable as she was talking.

The group therapy session ends, and they all get up and hug it out before heading to the evening part of the date. During her one-on-one time, Katie kisses Justin as they take a Polaroid selfie, makes out with Connor B. after he tells her he feels seen by her and she tells him he’s a catch, and doesn’t seem to have fallen for Thomas’s lines (which is edited in such a way to suggest that the guys are talking about Thomas and questioning his intentions at the exact moment that he’s feeding her said lines). 

Thomas, sensing this, decides to become the next villain and interrupt Aaron’s time with Katie just as Aaron is telling Katie about someone close to him getting sick and having a stroke. It’s awkward, and not even worth it because Thomas just spits out more cliches like about love and fear being rooted in feeling, or something, and he hasn’t felt this way in a long time blah blah blah, he feels a strong energy pull toward her yada yada yada, and … oh shit, she’s totally falling for it. They kiss. 

When Thomas returns to the group he gets the usual grief about being disrespectful and stealing time, and as he defends himself, he says that he told Katie he was falling in love with her and … did he? I don’t remember him saying that. I don’t even think what he said could be interpreted that way. The guys don’t believe him, and neither do I, and I appreciate that Connor B. told Thomas that saying something like that to Katie at this time makes a mockery of the whole thing, and things are getting more and more tense, but at least Thomas and Aaron, who is clearly done, done! with Thomas, agree that they can just pretend not to know each other, so that’s nice. Also Aaron thinks Thomas is a cancer, which, I like Aaron so far, but I think that’s a little extreme. 

Thankfully (I think), the group date rose goes to Connor B., who may have dissolved into a puddle if he didn’t get it, so I’m glad we at least avoided that tragedy tonight. 

Next up: a one-on-one date with Michael A., the single dad. Earlier, we saw him tell a couple of the other guys that although Katie knows he’s a single dad, she doesn’t know the reason why, and the reason why is that he’s a widower. His wife, who he had been with for 16 years, died from breast cancer a few years after their first child was born. This was two years ago, and he’s 36 years old, so that means they were together since they were 18. This is really sad. I don’t get the sense that he will end up with Katie, but I think he could be a strong contender to be the next Bachelor. 

Anyway, we see Katie driving an ATV, which she flips over and is somehow just cool AF about it. Good thing she’s wearing a seatbelt and a helmet! 

She apparently gets righted, somehow, because she picks Michael up in the ATV, which turns out to be another one because she tells Michael A. that she actually broke the dune buggy when she flipped it. They’re sitting on the ground, on a vast plain with a view of a mountain in the distance, and seriously what was the budget for this season, was it nothing? Because in any other season there would be an entire luxury glamping setup here, with pillows and food they won’t eat and, let’s be honest, somehow a hot tub, but all Katie gets is a flannel blanket and a bottle of something bubbly that probably isn’t even real champagne. 

Anyway. Michael A. tells Katie that he really likes her and he’s glad to have time with her, and promises that if he gets attached to her and has a hard time seeing her go on dates with other guys, he’ll still be respectful, and says that even though he’s heard that the show ends with an engagement, things really start with an engagement, which Katie loves. And then he asks to kiss her in like the cutest way, and she says “abso-fucking-lutely” and they kiss. Aw. I might really like Michael A. 

At dinner, Michael A. tells Katie the story about his wife losing her battle with cancer. He’s crying, Katie’s crying, I’m crying, we’re all crying. Grief is real, and it is tough, and these two people know it from personal experience. 

Katie tells Michael A. that his love with his wife wouldn’t make her feel insecure, and she would always respect that; Michael A. tells Katie that it would be his responsibility to make her feel that their relationship would be unique, and their own. He also says that it’s a blessing to be able to fall in love twice, and I swear I felt my heart grow three sizes in that moment. 

Katie gives Michael A. the rose, of course, and is very emotional in her interview when she says she could see herself falling in love with Michael A., and although I wasn’t convinced at the start of their date, I may change my mind. 

Meanwhile, back at the Tamaya Resort, the guys from the previous group date are complaining about Thomas and his shenanigans. They all appear to be in alignment that Thomas has got to go, which, on the one hand, yes, Thomas definitely seems fake, but on the other hand, I feel like if it was a group of girls saying this, I might think it’s bullying. 

Hunter tells Thomas that the guys in the house are turning on him, and he may want to chill with the DGAF attitude, and even in explaining himself to a guy, Thomas seems fake. I wouldn’t miss him if he left. 

The tension carries over into the next day, and when all the guys are gathered in one room, apparently waiting for the next group date to start, Hunter confronts Thomas and tells him that it feels like he’s campaigning to be the next Bachelor. He straight up asks Thomas if he ever thought about being the Bachelor, and at first Thomas doesn’t answer, but when pressed, he admits that yes, indeed, the thought of trying to use the show to become the next Bachelor. He swears, swears! that he no longer has those thoughts, but the guys don’t believe him, and neither do I.

An unfamiliar voice says “Coming up next week, on The Bachelorette,” and it looks like there’s more Thomas drama. 

And guys getting waxed. 

And … Blake? From Tayshia’s season? The guy who used the arts-and-crafts date to sculpt a penis? Ah yes. Because sex-positive girls just love sex-obsessed guys, because it’s pretty much the same thing. *eye roll emoji*

Tag scene: Katie and Michael A. looking at the stars, and Katie asks if it’s called “O’Brien’s Belt” and I’m seriously thinking that maybe Katie isn’t playing to the top of her intellectual ability in this moment, because who doesn’t know that it’s Orion’s Belt?