Episode 5: I Am Not Entertained

Bachelor/ette Nation is a mess. This season alone, we have “Queen” Victoria, who is turning out to be just a really mean girl who crumbles when held accountable and is probably racist. And we also have Rachael, who seems nice so far and is obviously very, very pretty but is also probably racist. Racist contestants (or contestants with deeply problematic views) keep turning up on this show (and are problematic even years later, although sometimes they apologize and seem to mean it), and I believe the producers know about it. They know about it, and they want it, because to them it’s “drama,” but to the actual people involved, I believe it’s actually closer to trauma. It’s not fun to watch.

I’m not a TV exec, but I don’t know why ABC doesn’t listen more to Bachelor Diversity Campaign. It’s taken so long to make extremely incremental progress, and now that we do have our first-ever Black male lead, he’s being presented as “safe” – Christian, maybe overly solicitous but at the very least polite, possibly politically conservative – for white viewers, or at least what ABC believes white viewers want.  

I’m a white viewer. I don’t want this. I don’t want to see racist white girls trying to “win” a Black man, and if I did want that, ABC shouldn’t want me as a viewer.

The mess continues tonight. We pick up seemingly the day after we left off, with Victoria and Kit walking the grounds and dragging, like, all the new girls. The tension is building as we approach the …

Cocktail Party: MJ interviews that the “new girls” are trying to “jump the line,” which is something not at all based in reality and definitely not how things work on this show. Matt comes in and tells all the women that he’s heard about the toxic environment in the house and the “culture of bullying.” He says he’s heard that someone is spreading some rumors that could ruin a person’s life, and tells the women that if they have to take someone else down to build themselves up, well, that’s just not what he’s looking for in a wife.

A lot of the girls seem chastened, except for Anna, who seems terrified that she’s been busted and tells the other women that what she did was out of character, and except for Katie, who knows Matt is speaking to the girls because of what she told him, and who just very elegantly takes a sip of her drink.

Matt speaks to Brittany first, and she tells him about the rumor that she is an escort. Matt appears appropriately upset to hear that some of the women vying for his heart were either spreading or buying into this rumor, and he apologizes, and tells her she should come to him if she’s having any more problems.

MJ and Anna scheme to get on Matt’s good side.

Matt pulls Anna aside and they walk off hand in hand, which I think is weird. They sit down and Anna immediately says she’s “sad” and upset with herself. She basically owns up to spreading the rumor, but then also says she feels really bad about it, she feels horrible, she’s breaking out in a rash because she’s so sad about the behavior she herself engaged in.

Matt tells Anna that she’s not a horrible person, and that he’s said some things he isn’t proud of and wishes he could take back, and it sounds like he’s about to forgive her. But then! Plot twist! He says he has a responsibility to Brittany, the other women in the house, and to himself, to follow his heart, and basically it’s goodbye, Anna! GTFO!

Next, Matt goes and eliminates Victoria just as quickly. JUST KIDDING, he doesn’t do that. If only. But a lot of the other women seem pretty shaken up

Anna, who apparently has never faced consequences for her actions, can’t believe this happened. She says she’s disappointed in herself because she knows enough about human interaction to know that’s what she should say.

Back at the house, Chelsea asks the other women if they feel there is a toxic bullying environment, because she doesn’t see it. Victoria says she agrees with Chelsea, which should immediately tell Chelsea she’s on the wrong side of things here. Some of the other women apologize – even Victoria, who extremely insincerely “apologizes” for taking Catalina’s crown, and it’s clear that Catalina doesn’t buy it. Basically Victoria seems to be going on a mass apology tour. No one believes her.  

Serena C. interviews that she can’t believe all the “kiss-assery” going on, because she seems lovely.

Matt is checking in with Ryan, who is visibly upset by Victoria and some of the other actions. She tells Matt that the only reason why she’s getting apologies from the other women now is because he brought up the issue. Matt interviews that he was very disappointed to hear this about Victoria, because apparently he previously thought she had a big heart, which I am definitely not buying.

When Victoria learns from Ryan that Ryan told Matt about Victoria’s actions, Victoria tells Ryan that she’s being fake and literally walks away while Ryan is talking. Again, lovely.

And then we reach what might be the moment of truth. Matt confronts Victoria, and it seems like he’s doing a good job, until he (inadvertently?) reveals that Katie was the one who brought the bullying to his attention, and I believe you can actually see the petty rage light up in Victoria’s eyes. Matt continues, seeming to believe that Victoria has any shred of humanity or respect for other women, and tells her that Ryan was crying to him.

He finally comes around to doing the right thing, and tells Victoria that it was tough for him to hear that she called Ryan a “ho.” Victoria says it was taken out of context, Matt asks for her to explain the context, and she … doesn’t? Matt says he has a lot to think about and walks away.

Victoria interviews that she can’t believe she’s seen as the toxic person in the house, because she has apparently been able to escape accountability for any and all of her actions. She’s also very angry at Katie.

Chris Harrison tells the women that Matt wants to skip the cocktail party and go straight to the Rose Ceremony.

Victoria continues to rant about the situation, saying awful and nonsensical things like “I’m the only one in the house with a brain” and “I’m the only woman Matt can marry” and still managing to insult many women in the house, with a special focus on women of color, and also sex-positive and self-assured Katie, who Victoria obviously wishes she was but will never be.

Rose Ceremony: Roses go, in order, to: Brittany (yay!), Ryan (yay!), Rachael (booooo), Serena P., Magi, Kit, MJ (ugh), Jessenia, Katie (yay!), Abigail, Chelsea, Serena C. (meh).

Not Victoria! Who, in an interview, completely unironically ask-whines if Matt wants a wife who causes drama, or if he wants a wife like her. And instead of giving him a polite hug, Victoria scolds him – in front of everyone – that she feels sorry for him that he would listen to “hearsay” and not the “facts.” She interviews that Matt’s not a king, but he’s a jester, and she says the house will be sad she’s gone because she brought so much joy to them. She then, very maturely, says she’s never going to date another guy named Matt because she hates that name now.

I’m happy Victoria’s gone. I never want to see or hear from her again, like, ever. She’s a stain on Bachelor/ette Nation. Also, I’m not happy about Catalina or Lauren going home instead of MJ, Serena C., or Rachael.  

But time marches forward, and so does Matt’s search for love, and it looks like it’s time for the “Pretty Woman” date, where the Bachelor brings a lady to shop for fancy dresses because girls love shopping!

One-on-One Date: The date goes to Rachael, who is brought from one part of the Nemacolin to another in an actual Rolls Royce limousine. They go “shopping” with the help of Matt’s “good friend,” celebrity stylist Ty Hunter, and we see the obligatory “beautiful woman trying on dresses for Matt’s approval” and hear the obligatory “beautiful woman says she’s literally never been treated like a princess.” Matt “gives” her a pair of Louboutin heels, which nearly moves Rachel to tears because she’s never had a pair of shoes over $40. Okay.

For some reason, the producers have Rachael return to the rest of the women, carrying a bunch of shopping bags as though she actually gets to keep all the dresses she tried on, and then some guy dressed as “Butler” delivers a dress for Rachael to wear to dinner with Matt.

I hate dates like this. I hate that The Bachelor still does dates like this.

At dinner, Matt tells Rachael he likes “spoiling” her (gross). He’s drawn to her because she said she’s never been in love before. Just like Matt! But why, Matt asks. Rachael has a lot of self-doubt, doesn’t think she’s worthy, scared to fall in love, etc. etc. (Which comes first, the MAGA love or the self-loathing? Hard to say.) Matt finds all of these things attractive in her. They both confess that they are falling in love with each other. Rachael gets the rose and they make out as they are carted away in an literal horse-drawn carriage.

Group Date: When the group date card is dropped off, everyone is on it except Kit, who apparently gets the next one-on-one date with Matt. It really throws Abigail for a loop. Normally I don’t have patience for this kind of insecurity on this show, but Abigail seems like a truly kind, smart person, and her confusion as to why Matt wouldn’t want to spend time with her – especially considering how they seemed to have such a strong connection at the start – feels sincere.

The theme for the date is apparently “Farming.” Do they frolic in wheelbarrows? Yes! Do they also shovel hay and possibly actual manure? Also yes! There are also attempts to milk a goat, collect eggs from a chicken coop, and MJ pretends to be scared of the chickens and Jessenia questions MJ’s sincerity. Good instincts, Jessenia, although Matt seems to be drawn to MJ’s fear. This is a guy who likes to “save” women.

But then Matt also crashes Peiper’s interview and starts making out with her, which MJ accidentally sees and tells the other women. Katie and Michelle talk about it, and Katie – of course – acknowledges that Michelle’s pain is probably even worse than her own, because Michelle and Matt had a great one-on-one, while Katie hasn’t even had a solo date with Matt. Katie is so great.

During the evening part of the date, Matt immediately takes Chelsea outside to chat. I like Chelsea a lot, and I would love to see her as The Bachelorette. They talk by the fire, and Matt says even though she said she’s awkward around guys, he feels very comfortable around her, and he’s happy she’s there, and they kiss.

When Abigail talks to Matt, she tells him she’s scared of disappointing him, because there’s a strong possibility any kids she would have would be deaf. Her birth father, as she refers to him, walked out on Abigail, her mom, and her sister (who is also deaf), right after they got their cochlear implants. This is the cause of Abigail’s trust issues. Matt says he can’t imagine what her experience has been like, but he also grew up without a dad, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. He tells her he admires her for what she’s gone through, and it gives him a good feeling about what their future could be like. This puts a huge smile on Abigail’s face, and they kiss.

Next up is Michelle, who had what seemed like a truly amazing date with Matt in the last episode. Matt asks Michelle how it’s going overall, and she tells him she’s having a hard time adjusting to the process. Matt tells her he feels what she’s feeling, and reassures her that she didn’t misread their connection, and they kiss.

At this point, I genuinely wonder: how does Matt refresh his mouth between kissing each of these women, and does it work?

It looks like that question won’t apply during Matt’s conversation with MJ, which is set up as a confrontation over the bullying. MJ initially says that she was shocked to hear that there was a toxic environment. She acts similarly surprised when Matt tells her that her name was brought up as an instigator. She doesn’t take any responsibility for this, and doesn’t even try to address his concerns.

A very pissed-off MJ returns to the group and confronts the women who was there. She demands to know which of them told Matt that she was an antagonist in the house.

Jessenia pretty much immediately says when Matt asked her about the situation in the house, she told him about MJ’s “varsity / JV team” comments. MJ is immediately defensive, and offers no answer when Jessenia asks MJ if she owned up to it in her conversation with Matt. She also – of course – demands an apology. Katie chimes in, taking Jessenia’s side, and tells MJ that it feels like she’s deflecting a little bit. MJ says she feels attacked, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what words like “antagonist” and “attack” mean.

Matt gives the group date rose to Abigail.

MJ blames Jessenia for ruining her chances with Matt, I guess, because apparently we can’t have an episode of The Bachelor without a white girl picking on a woman of color. Great.

One-on-One: The date with Kit is apparently a cooking date, because Kit loves cooking. She visits Matt in what he says is his place, and I’m not sure I believe that, but the place does look really nice. We learn that Kit’s mom is a fashion designer – we already know it’s Cynthia Rowley – and Kit’s had a charmed life, which she acknowledges, but it’s hindered her ability to form sincere relationships with people, although I honestly think that could also be because she’s 21 years old (or was at the time of taping).

For dinner they’re apparently making cookies but mostly they’re making out.

After “dinner” (we don’t actually see them eat anything they’ve made), Kit tells Matt that she wants a partner with whom she can enjoy the “simple things” in life. Matt tells Kit he’s blessed to have her there, and they kiss.

Kit gets the rose.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the women are feeling tense and antsy before the upcoming Rose Ceremony, and then there is a very dramatic knock at the door.

The note that was dropped off was also extremely dramatic: “MJ, Jessenia: I need to know the truth.” They are instructed to meet Matt at the Cocktail Party before everyone else arrives.

We are then treated to a Rocky-like montage of MJ and Jessenia facing off with their suitcases, walking side-by-side out of the lodge, walking side-by-side into wherever it is they’re going to meet Matt.

In an interview, MJ pretends to be all tough, and then says “You all want to see me fight … get your popcorn.” Good grief. Telling someone to get their popcorn is a threat now? She needs better material.

Shortly after they sit down, MJ starts scolding Jessenia, telling her she’s embarrassed she has to be there because Jessenia said her name to Matt. MJ insists that she preaches harmony and peace, and that Jessenia threw MJ’s character into question. MJ tells Jessenia that she – Jessenia – should be embarrassed, because they are both there because of her – Jessenia’s – actions.

Girl, check the fucking tapes. You talked about the JV and Varsity teams, in a way that was obviously directed at the late arrivals, and that’s exactly what Jessenia told Matt you said.

Again, I am extremely uncomfortable watching this super mean white woman verbally attack, scold, and generally condescend to a woman of color. This is not how adults speak to each other. I get that it’s dramatic, but by even airing it, the show is signaling that this is an acceptable form of entertainment, and it’s just not.

Jessenia, calmly, asks MJ if she’s done. She reminds MJ that she just told Matt what MJ said, and also reminded MJ that she lied to Matt. Jessenia isn’t done speaking when MJ just cuts her off – because, of course she does – and starts saying to Jessenia, “You’re done. This is just done.” Jessenia tells MJ that there are three versions of her: who MJ is in the house, who she is with Matt, and who she is in front of the cameras. Jessenia reminds MJ that she’ll know the truth once this airs, and MJ tries to laugh, says it’s “cute,” and is generally just a total asshole here. I can’t believe I kind of liked her at the beginning of this.

Matt walks in, silently and dramatically. He sits down, silently and dramatically.

I just noticed that there’s a rose on the table.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Tag scene: Women on the farm date searching for a golden horseshoe in the hay, set to what I assume is stock music that is probably labeled “Farm Hijinks.”