Episode 6: Never Enough (or Any) Time

Breaking(ish) news for Bachelor/ette Nation: Our next Bachelorette has been announced! It was leaked before tonight’s episode even aired, when the Bachelorette-to-be was still, technically, a contestant on Matt’s season, possibly/definitely as a way to distract from the ever-increasing controversy surrounding apparent front-runner Rachael and her very bad/racist choices.

It’s Katie! The next Bachelorette is Katie! Or, wait, is it? No one seems to know. I like Katie, a lot. I’m not sure she’s the best choice for Bachelorette, and I think she’d be great on Bachelor in Paradise, and I probably would have preferred Abigail as the next lady lead, if she wanted it, because she seems like she’s genuinely looking for long-term love, and she seems lovely, and I think having a lead who is also deaf would be a great thing in a lot of ways.

Alas.

We pick up where we left off, with MJ facing off against Jessenia in a contrived two-on-one situation. I find MJ’s repeated assertion that she leads by example is especially hilarious. Matt walks in and reminds them he’s Here To Find A Wife, and wants to resolve the tension.

Jessenia tells Matt that MJ lied to his face, and that she’s a major player on Team Mean Girl. Meanwhile, we see MJ crying and referring to Jessenia as a b*tch, and also fluffing her hair and saying she “had a weak b*tch moment” but now she’s back. Cool, cool.

MJ cries to Matt, and again makes the not-at-all-accurate statement that she “preach[es] harmony and peace,” and then lectures Jessenia on acting like an adult, or something. It doesn’t matter. I don’t believe anything MJ says. She’s all over the place, bouncing from crying about being “vulnerable” to talking about how tough she is and how she’ll get through this, or something, to being ridiculously mean to Jessenia. Not a good look, MJ!

Matt’s conflicted. He likes being around MJ, and Jessenia hasn’t given him a reason not to trust her, which seems like a weird way to praise someone, but he can’t see his journey continuing with both of them there.

Matt tells MJ they have an undeniable connection. Matt tells Jessenia that he essentially believes that she would be a rock for someone (which, again, faint praise?).

And then: “MJ, I can’t give you this rose. Can I walk you out?”

MJ gets into the car. If she and Matt hug each other goodbye, or even say anything to each other, we don’t see it. As she drives away, MJ just can’t understand how Jessenia managed to sabotage her. It’s beyond her comprehension that anything could have gotten in the way of what she thought was hers.  

Husband: MJ, it was in you all along!

The rest of the women arrive, speculating who got the rose and who left, when Jessenia walks in with the rose. The women just want time with Matt, and are waiting – as Serena C. – for Matt’s “fine ass to walk through the door,” when instead Chris Harrison walks through the door to tell the women that there’s no cocktail party, and Matt’s going straight to the rose ceremony.

Serena C., for reasons I don’t entirely understand, blames Katie for this turn of events. Ryan starts to spiral, and it looks like Michelle takes her outside for a “yell it out” moment, which is something that friends, or at least women who respect women, do for each other, so that’s nice.

Rose Ceremony: Roses go to Serena P., Michelle, Pieper, Bri, Chelsea, Katie, Serena C.

This means Ryan, Magi, and Brittany are going home. Magi, thankfully, seems to have a good perspective on it – she’s bummed, but she’ll be fine. Ryan is very upset, and I hope that she’s ok, and also I think a choreographer from Brooklyn deserves someone way more interesting than what we’ve seen from Matt so far. And Brittany really, really didn’t deserve any of this.

The next day, Serena C. confronts Katie, accusing her for not being there for Matt, or something that doesn’t make sense. Katie points out that Serena C. knows nothing about her relationship with Matt and shouldn’t speak on his behalf, and then we get to the real truth of it: Serena C. doesn’t like that Katie stuck up for the women in the house who were being bullied. In Serena’s view, this was Katie inserting herself into drama that didn’t actually involve her, which tells us all we need to know about what kind of person Serena is. Serena C. calls Katie an arsonist, and demands to know why telling Matt about bullying and toxicity does for their relationship, as though it’s any of her business, and Katie reminds Serena C. that she didn’t tell Matt any names, and other people did that.

Serena C. runs to the other women to give them her version of events – that the “gist” of what Katie said is that she has intentions other than being there for Matt. Katie, who also came into the room with all the women, told Serena C. that’s not at all what she said. Honestly Serena isn’t making much sense here; when Katie says obviously Matt believes she’s there for him because she’s still there, Serena C. says “barely,” which, is there a ranking system that she knows about? What does that mean, “barely”? Why would she say that?

Essentially, Serena’s problem with Katie has nothing to do with Matt, or the fact that Serena hasn’t gotten a date with him yet. It has to do with the fact that she’s now on notice that if she’s malicious, and targets other women, there’s someone there who will actually hold her accountable.

But wait! As though this drama wasn’t enough, someone named “Heather Martin” drives up to what appears to be a Nemacolin security gate in a van, asking to speak to Chris Harrison who, if his voice is to be believed, is shocked – shocked! – that Heather, who was apparently a contestant on Colton’s season of The Bachelor, is here now.

Heather tells Chris Harrison that her friend, Hannah Brown – who is friends with Matt and his friend Tyler Cameron, who was also a contestant on Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette, and who is Matt’s best friend, apparently – told Heather that she and Matt would be perfect for each other. Heather just wants her chance at love, see?

Chris Harrison tells her it’s not up to him (again, not a particularly believable performance here), and he’ll run it by Matt, who apparently approves, because the next we see of Heather, she’s in a room on the Nemacolin property, having been told she’s allowed to come on the show, and waiting for results from her latest COVID test. We revisit Heather in a few interstitials throughout the show, including one where she tries to balance a pizza box on her head (she’s goofy and relatable!), and one where she refers to herself as Rapunzel because she has long hair, which she can let down so Matt can climb up, or something (she knows about fairy tales, she’s so nerdy and relatable!).

One-on-one with Pieper: Last week, we saw Matt leave his farm group date to interrupt Pieper’s interview to make out with her, so they obviously have something going on. Matt takes Pieper deep into the Pennsylvania forest to a carnival that seems to have been set up for them. It looks like maybe six rides, some games, and a popcorn stand on about an acre of land. They play and frolic and make out and generally have a good time. If there were any references to this date reminding them of what it’s like to be a kid, or childlike, or whatever, I missed it, and for that I’m grateful, because feeling like a kid is definitely not a healthy way to feel on a date as an adult.

At dinner, Pieper reveals that she grew up in a family that was more show-than-tell when it came to expressing love and affection, and basically tells Matt that her love language is more Words of Affirmation than, say, Acts of Service or Gifts. Matt tells her they can learn how to be verbally expressive together, or something, and then Pieper, apparently having experienced a recent burst of emotional growth, tells Matt that she’s falling in love with him. Matt gives her the rose, telling her he wants to explore what their life could be like together, and they make out.

Matt’s final surprise of the night is a private concert by a band called Temecula Road, which the internet tells me is a country band, and considering where country music is these days, this is exactly what I probably should have expected for this season of The Bachelor.

Group date: Bri, Kit, Rachael, Michelle, Jessenia, Serena P., Abigail, Chelsea, Serena C. all go bowling with Matt, who interviews that he’s looking for someone who can just “have fun bowling on a rainy day,” which is very specific and I’ll be honest, if it’s raining, I’m not leaving the house to go bowling.

Because these women can’t get a break from the fuckery of this season, Chris Harrison comes in and breaks the women into two teams – pink vs. blue – and the winning team gets to spend time with Matt in the evening. The pink team wins, and Matt expresses regret that he won’t get to spend time with those women, and has it occurred to him that he could, like, ask the producers to just not do this? Does he not believe that, as the lead, he actually has agency in this situation?

Well, I spoke too soon, because Matt sends the women of the blue team – who are back at the lodge, defeated, sad, and frustrated – a note asking them to join them for the evening. Which is sure to make the pink team mad, especially since they were talking about how it means they get more time with Matt, but for the most part the women on the pink team react fairly graciously to the blue team returning to the date, all things considered.

They are seriously messing with all the women this season, aren’t they? None of them deserve it. (Well, except maybe for Serena C. She might deserve it.) But really, all that drama, all for nothing.

Matt reaffirms to Michelle the connection he has with her; Serena P. tells Matt that she’s falling for him; Chelsea, like an actual grown person, tells Matt that it’s challenging for her, and he asks her to hang in there. The group date rose goes to Michelle.

One-on-one date: Finally, Matt and Katie have a one-on-one date. Serena, of course, hopes that Matt will realize that he and Katie aren’t compatible and will send her home. And given the news of Katie (maybe) being the next Bachelorette (which is so public at this point I don’t even think it qualifies as a spoiler), don’t we already know how this date ends? They must really want to distract from this whole Rachael thing.

Katie greets Matt by jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around him, which is something I can’t stand, so I wish it wasn’t Katie doing it. They’re at the spa at the resort, and Matt tells Katie that they’re basically going to be pranking his friend Tyler, who has come to the Nemacolin to ostensibly give advice to his buddy Matt, but doesn’t know that the massage he’s about to receive is actually a prank. Yes, that’s the date: Matt and Katie are going to have a massage therapist/possible actress to do funny/weird/inappropriate things to Tyler during his massage. This apparently includes telling the massage therapist to massage and tweak Tyler’s nipples.

Ugh. THE RULES FOR CONSENT APPLY TO MEN TOO, THE BACHELOR.

Admittedly, some of the pranks were kind of funny, like when Katie and Matt called the massage therapist and she pretended to be gossiping to a friend about giving a massage to Tyler from The Bachelorette. Eventually, Matt takes over and starts massaging Tyler’s shoulders, and the gig is up.

And then Matt says that having “Katie right beside me, torturing my best friend, was incredible,” which I honestly find a little disturbing.

Matt interviews that he’s having a great time with Katie, but he’s not sure if the romance is there, which I think is a fair assessment. I like Katie, but I think it’s fairly clear that she and Matt aren’t a love match.

This is pretty much how it plays out at dinner. Matt asks Katie about what she’s like in relationships, what her past relationships were like, and she’s saying a lot of the right words – including validating Matt and telling him he’s doing a great job – and she tells him that she’s hoping to continue on with him, but the look on Matt’s face is one of someone trying to figure out how to get out of this gracefully.

As it turns out, Matt does not get out of it gracefully, because he picks up the rose as though he’s going to give it to her and then tells her that some of his other relationships are developing more quickly than with her, and he can’t give her the rose. Harsh move, Matt.

Katie looks sad, and just whispers “’kay,” and he walks her out. In the car, she says she’s surprised, and she had imagined spending time with him, but I think when she watches this back, she’ll realize that some of his other relationships are way further along than hers.

I also have a feeling this isn’t the last we’ll see of Katie, Bachelorette or no Bachelorette.

Back at the house, a production assistant comes in to roll Katie’s bags away, and the women, for the most part, are surprised. Except for Serena C., who can barely contain her glee.

Pre-Cocktail Party: The next night, ahead of the cocktail party and rose ceremony, the women are fairly excited to get some more one-on-one time with Matt than they have in the past. This is the pattern of the show this season: multiple women are hoping to spend time with Matt, only to have their (reasonable) hopes and expectations dashed by producer shenanigans. Tonight, those shenanigans come in the form of Heather driving to the Nemacolin lodge, talking about how nervous she is but also saying she can really see herself marrying Matt, and crashing the party.

She literally walks in on Matt talking privately with Pieper. Matt, with less maturity than I would have hoped, starts laughing, even leaning in to Pieper as though she’s in on the joke, which is really disrespectful. Then, right in front of Pieper, Matt gets up and gives Heather an extremely warm and welcoming hug.

The other women are, needless to say, not happy about this turn of events. Especially Pieper, whose confusion and frustration is totally justified. Matt did not handle that situation well at all.

Tag scene: Serena P. tells Matt that she heard he does karate, and he has her hold a pillow that he kicks out of her hand. Thankfully, he does not kick her in the face.