Episode 3: Starting With Sex, Ending In Tears

I don’t think the show quite knows what to do with Sarah. Is she a villain, or someone who is really struggling with a hard choice? She’s painted as both, which makes me feel very manipulated as a viewer, and also it’s possibly very unfair to Sarah. But more on that later.

Last week, on The Bachelor: Matt went on some dates, did some stuff, Victoria was awful (and, it appears, really, really awful), and we were about halfway through the rose ceremony when Sarah – possessor of a rose, already – started to pass out. The episode ended with a very dramatic To Be Continued …

… So, picking up right where we left off: Sarah’s blacking out, medics are called, Matt asks if she wants to go for a walk outside. She seems fine the second they are outside, like literally right outside the glass revolving door where the rest of the women have a perfect view of Matt giving Sarah his coat and comforting her.

While the non-Sarah women wait it out, some of them whisper about how Sarah might not be cut out for The Journey, and Victoria looks like she’s laughing. Victoria says she’s never fainted for attention, which of course I don’t believe her, and she also says “real women pull it together and don’t faint,” which tells us everything we need to know about what kind of friend Victoria is. She also seems to be talking with a New York-ish accent that sounds vaguely stereotypically Jewish. I’m a Jewish girl and that really, really bugs me. In the name of Rachel Bloom, Jewish Queen of Humor and Really Everything, I do not claim Victoria. Not at all.

Remaining roses to go: Khaylah, Mari, MJ, Anna, Kaili, Victoria. Not Marylyn, because Victoria, a white lady on the first-ever Bachelor season with a Black lead, successfully bullied a woman of color who seemed very kind and mature.

Group Date: It’s a new day, and the women await Chris Harrison, who tells them that he helped curate the three dates (two group, one solo) to help push Matt out of his comfort zone. “Matt has trouble feeling uncomfortable,” says Chris Harrison, as though that’s a thing that makes sense, and tells the women that the point of the dates is to help them “get comfortable being uncomfortable.”

Is this The Bachelor, or an early-stage self-help maybe-cult?

The women enter a room where a woman in shadow is reading from what sounds like an “erotic” novel, and it’s Ashley I., who I genuinely like, reading a passage from Chris Harrison’s own book “The Perfect Letter.” Oy.

After a few moments of plugging Chris Harrison’s book, Ashley tells the women that they will be writing their own “love story” with Matt. It should be “steamy” and “sexy” and oh yeah it will be read in front of a live studio audience who are obviously the other contestants. Matt, I guess to break the tension, goes first, reading what sounds like chocolate cake-themed erotica. He looks and sounds terrified which is not something I personally find sexy, but your mileage may vary.

The women generally are good sports about it. Anna is funny, Bri might actually have a talent for this, Serena C. wrote a poem, Katie – who brought the vibrator the first night – definitely re-enacted an orgasm, and Victoria seemed to confuse “erotica” with “hardcore pornography.”

At the post-Live Erotica Reading cocktail party, Matt tells Rachael that he liked her story because it felt like something that could really happen. She gives the usual line of how she’s never felt this way, or this quickly, which is scary, so her Stockholm Syndrome is already kicking in. Matt kisses her and her lipstick doesn’t move AT ALL which is impressive.

Katie, who seems lovely and supportive – and who will later turn out to be the real hero of this epsidoe – tells the other women that she admired what they did, putting themselves out there like that. Sex is an important part of a relationship, you guys!

Matt also kisses Bri, after telling her that he appreciates that she wasn’t quite as explicit in her story as some of the other women, which she interprets as them being on the same page about keeping intimate details of their relationship private, and which I interpret as Matt having internalized the idea that women’s sexual pleasure is not something that should be freely discussed or publicly acknowledged.

Back at the lodge, the other women notice that Sarah wasn’t there joining the group, and it really does seem like Sarah is spiraling into jealousy and insecurity from past relationships where cheating happened, and/or like she completely forgot the premise of the show. So, in a totally healthy, mature, and not-at-all-self-sabotaging move, she crashes the group date! She literally crashes Katie’s one-on-one time with Matt so that he can address her insecurities. Rude*. Even Victoria finds this unacceptable, but I think that’s probably just because she didn’t have the chance to do it first.

(*I later regret this reaction, but I think it’s important to note that the editors were really, really manipulative in this episode.)

After “stealing” Matt “for a sec” from Katie – who is, rightfully, pissed – Sarah tells Matt that she’s struggling, but it probably means her feelings are real and she just had to tell him right now. Or something. As Matt appears to be comforting Sarah, Katie goes back in and demands her time back, at first waiting behind the room divider and then literally sitting down on the couch with Matt and Sarah. Sarah gets Matt to walk her out and they kiss, but then Sarah, realizing that her antics may have put a target on her back, goes back into the room with the rest of the women on the group date to address what she did. She tells them she wants to be “the bigger person” and tell them she was there. Literally none of the women accept her explanation, which upsets Sarah, and just as I’m wondering what to make of this, Victoria comes out to confront Sarah.

Victoria says she doesn’t want Sarah to cry and she’s coming to her “with love,” and tells her that the other women thought maybe there was something wrong with her health, and they were concerned about her, and Sarah’s presence changed the whole vibe of the date. Is Victoria making sense here? I think she is?

Katie then approaches and demands to hear Sarah’s excuse, and she basically calls her out for saying that Sarah has insecurities and should have found a different time to express that to him. Fair. Sarah apologizes and goes back to her room at the lodge, and I’m no longer a fan of Sarah*.

(*Temporarily, I think.)

Matt, with a group of women made up mostly of people he hasn’t talked to that evening, gives the group date rose to Rachael. He thanks them for an amazing group date and most of the women blame Sarah.

One-on-One Date: Serena P., who, when the date card arrived, told the other women that she felt guilty for getting the date but that she was also excited, which seems mature. As they approach the first activity of the date – riding horses – Matt says that what Serena P., who is very petite, “lacks in size, she makes up for in personality.” What the hell? Do petite women “lack in size?” What a weird thing to say.

It gets weirder because Matt tells Serena P. that he needs her help making a cheese board, because he’s never done it before. Serena P. appears well-versed in making a charcuterie board, which is good because would they have not eaten otherwise? Also, Matt, how do you not know how to make a cheese board? You literally put cheese on the board, and whatever else has been literally brought to you for the specific purpose of this date. It’s cheese. You can’t really go wrong. It’ll be fine.

Serena P. tells Matt that her family doesn’t fully approve of her being on the show, and Matt says can relate to deciding to do his own thing despite what his family wants. Matt makes a toast to “unconventional living and breaking the norm,” which on the one hand, Matt: you’re a real estate broker in New York City, which is probably one of the most conventional careers this town has to offer. On the other hand, Matt does seem pretty involved in his charity work with underserved kids, and he is the first Black Bachelor, which is definitely breaking the norm. So, norm-breaking? Yes, definitely. “Unconventional living”? Not so much.

Then as they literally finish the champagne that followed the toast about defying family’s wishes and living your best life anyway, Matt tells Serena P. that his mom was “totally supportive” of him coming on the show. He gives a nice little speech about admiring his mom but it’s hard for him to see her growing older and not be in a relationship, and then they kiss, and as they’re kissing, donkeys approach and then swarm their picnic date. I guess the cheese board was pretty good.

Serena P. says she’s “falling in like” with Matt as opposed to falling in love with him, which is a totally normal human thing to feel after a few hours of a first date, but this is The Bachelor, where telling the lead that it’s “scary” how “fast” your “feelings” that you “haven’t had in a long time and/or ever” have developed is basically required, so I’m not feeling super optimistic about Serena P. at this point.

At dinner, Matt proposes a toast to “an incredible evening,” which seems much more realistic. We learn that Matt, who says he has never been in love before, bailed out of a relationship about a year ago, when it came time to but a label on it, and he only wanted to date someone if he was going to marry them. Again, total healthy and normal relationship behavior for any adult human. Serena P. likes it though, and tells him that she’s upgrading from “falling into like” with him to “I definitely could see myself moving forward like potentially falling in love with you, which is weird.” She doesn’t make a ton of eye contact with Matt while telling him this, but he seems to like it. Serena P. gets a rose, and they end the date making out in a hot tub.

Back at the lodge, Sarah – who has been hiding from the women all day – arrives just in time for the second group date card to be read, and tries to apologize to the women. She tells them she’s struggling with the process, which may be the case, but again, the premise of the show isn’t entirely surprising at this point. The other women make some very good points, including Abigail, who says it’s not entirely fair that Sarah may end up taking a rose from someone there who does trust the process. Other women point out that while Sarah says it’s difficult for her, she’s had way more time with Matt than they have. Anna tells Sarah that if she just wanted Matt to beg her to stay, then she should just say it, and Victoria says: “Yeah, just say you needed his validation and you thought you were more important than everyone else’s time,” which in the moment was legitimately hilarious*.

(*In about 10 minutes I’m going to feel really bad for thinking that.)

Basically, none of the women are buying what Sarah’s selling. Anna says that if she talked to Matt every time she felt insecure, no one else would have any time with him. Kitt tells her that if she doesn’t go home, her time there will be very difficult because basically, she has no friends. Sarah tries to approach MJ, who so far has been pretty relatable and reasonable, and even she tells Sarah that she needs time to cool off. Sarah, in tears, interviews that now the women are making it very hard for her to be there, and I’m starting to wonder what Sarah’s like when she takes responsibility for her own actions*.

(*Again, something I’m going to feel bad about feeling in a few minutes.)

The next day, before the group date, Katie finds Sarah alone, crying, on a huge couch. Katie – who, you’ll recall, is the one Sarah interrupted when she crashed the group date she wasn’t on – tells her the previous night’s confrontation between Sarah and the women was hard to watch, and she didn’t like it. Sarah tells her she’s made up her mind to leave. Katie asks if it’s because of the girls, and Sarah kind of hedges, and Katie tells her that if Sarah and Matt have a connection, she wants them to explore that, because she doesn’t want to be Matt’s – or anyone’s – backup plan. Sarah says she has real feelings for Matt, but the process is bringing out her worst insecurities and she’s not in a good headspace.

Sarah then tells Katie what I think is really on her mind. She talks about her dad, and how hard it is to be away from him, and that he has maybe weeks left. This lands hard with Katie, who immediately tears up. She tells Sarah that her dad passed away in 2012, and she encourages Sarah to go home. Katie: “If I could get back the minutes I had with him …” and when Sarah says it’s hard for her to be away from her dad, Katie says “I understand that more than I would like to.” Katie says she missed out on saying goodbye to her dad, and she would never want that for Sarah. They hug, and they’re both crying, and I’m crying. This is such a great, amazing moment to have between two women and I’m glad we’re seeing it.

But also, I wonder if the other women would have been as harsh, and in some cases, cruel, if they had known what Sarah was dealing with. I think for the most part, they would have been sympathetic, because aside from Victoria, these women do not seem like jerks. I’m not sure they would have loved Sarah crashing the date, or taking Matt’s time, but I think they would have at least been more sympathetic to her feelings.

The women are sitting together, snarking about whether Sarah will even show up for the group date. Katie comes in to tell the women that that she spoke with Sarah, and she’s decided to go home. Katie tells the group that Sarah has a “big family thing looming over her,” which is a very gracious way of indicating the larger issue without sharing something that Sarah obviously, and understandably, didn’t want to tell all of them, and this seems to soften some of the women at least. Katie asks the women to try to remain classy during the process, because they don’t always know the full story, and she didn’t want Sarah to feel like she was bullied out of there.

Sarah then goes to tell Matt that she has decided to leave, although as she’s telling him she talks about how harsh the other women were toward her, which isn’t inaccurate but also the women didn’t have all the information, so I don’t totally love that one-sided version of events. She tells Matt that some of the women are cruel and malicious, and Matt looks worried, and tells her that his feelings for her are real, and he really wants her there, and he doesn’t want to lose her. Sarah, speaking Matt’s language, says she’s prayed about it, and really thought about it, and feels called to go home. Matt says he’ll be thinking about her, and praying for her family, and he’ll miss her. She tells him she’ll miss him too. He walks her out, they hug goodbye, and Matt looks truly saddened by this turn of events.

So, the episode started with erotica and ended in tears, and while I truly hope that Sarah and her family are able to find peace, I also want to offer my main takeaway from this episode, which is:

Katie for Bachelorette! I mean, right? A sex-positive grown woman who has dealt with loss and grief, and also knows how to be a good friend to other women? Yes please!

Next week: We find out who is the alleged escort! Or do we?

Tag scene: Matt hiccupping his way through an interview about his date with Serena P., which I guess is kind of endearing.