Episode 2: Maybe Mean People Really Do Win

So last week there was an insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. People who can fairly be described as rabid zombie-like conspiracists, shoulder to shoulder with racists and Nazis and people who I’m sure have yelled “All Lives Matter” and “Back the Blue” and claim to be pro-life, violently overran Capitol Police to vandalize the building and threaten the lives of Senators and Representatives who were literally doing their jobs – incited, of course, by the current sitting president.

Also, Our Bachelor Matt James had thoughts on it, with which I strongly agree (in summary: racism).

However. The search for love in Bachelor Nation – and, I suppose, the need to satisfy high-paying advertisers – must go on, so here we are, and let’s see what happened.

We start out with a series of soothing scenes. Sunrise over Nemacolin. Bachelor Matt jogging, not shirtless this time. Bachelor Matt Pelotoning, truly a sign of pandemic life, privileged version. Bachelor Matt “showering” in an outdoor shower.

The women are moving in to the Nemacolin. Some of them complain about having to live with dozens of other women as though they’ve never seen the show.

Chris Harrison tells the women that there’s a group date and two one-on-one dates, but because there are so, so very many women, not all women will get a date with Matt this week.

The first date is a one-on-one date with Bri who is anticipating an adventurous date even though she, herself, is not adventurous.

And it’s … quad cars, I think? Is that what they’re called? It’s a couple of four-wheeled ATVs that look difficult to maneuver, in any case. As they ride off, the rest of the women sit together analyzing everything, and “Queen” Victoria is the Pettiest Of Them All, telling the women she’s already sick of them and complaining that Bri got the date she wanted. I mean, I think Bri got the date all of them wanted?

Meanwhile, Matt and Bri are revving their way through the muddy mountains of Pennsylvania, with Matt leading the way. Then Matt convinces Bri to ride on his vehicle with her, and when they topple over – which could have been a lot worse! – Matt apologizes on camera directly to Bri’s mom, which is actually kind of cute and sweet. They eventually arrive at their final destination, a hot tub that apparently requires Matt to chop wood shirtless, obviously. Unsurprisingly, these two stunningly beautiful people, in a hot tub together in Pennsylvania on  a beautiful autumn day, start making out. I mean, how could you not, right?

The date continues into the evening, and the two of them go to dinner. They get into pretty serious territory pretty quickly, as Bri tells Matt that her mom was 13 when she got pregnant with Bri. She didn’t have a great relationship with her dad, and is kind of struggling with the fact that her mom seems to be creating a new family – she’s pregnant and engaged. Bri tells Matt that she’s at the point where she wants a big family, and Matt, smitten, proposes a prayer-free toast to future adventures. Bri gets a rose, fireworks go off, which makes the rest of the women jealous but also makes for a beautiful backdrop for Matt and Bri to make out some more.

Group date:  I think maybe half the women are on this date? The editors want us to mostly know that Victoria – who spent the previous night being the absolute Queen of Petty, alienating all the women on the house to the point where she eventually just took up residence on the couch instead of rooming with anyone – is on the date.

The group date is a mock wedding photo shoot, which of course included a montage of the women running like crazy to racks of white dresses, because women have Wedding Fever! The women try to convince themselves that they’re totally fine with all of this. At one point, Victoria – who I’m starting to think might not actually be well, like, mentally? Which isn’t something I would ever say lightly? – jumps the line and orders the photographer to take pictures of her, and then essentially makes Matt kiss her, and I don’t think Victoria understands consent or the social contract or friendship with women or basic human interaction.

And then Chris breaks up the party to tell the women that he’s cutting the wedding photo portion of the date short and they’re going to have to fight for Matt’s heart. He makes it sounds like a literal actual fight, but it’s basically just a version of capture the flag, which they call “Capture Matt’s Heart.” The prize is a slightly-smaller group date with Matt. It’s basically the Nemacolin version of the random “Splashball” game the guys played at La Quinta during Clare’s season, with rules that don’t seem entirely clear but it’s really not about that anyway. There’s mud, and paint, and destroyed wedding cake, and two giant stuffed hearts that are apparently meant to be captured, and scissors taken to these dresses to make them more game-friendly, and I’m just really, really relieved the women got to put on sneakers instead of having to wear their heels, because I feel like there’s a version of this show that wouldn’t have allowed that. Throughout the game, the women are generally good sports, but watching three men – Chris, Matt, and Franco the Photographer – laughing and “whoa”-ing as these women fight it out was off-putting.

In the game of Red vs. Gold, Red wins – Victoria’s team, of course. The evening is basically a cocktail party where everyone’s dressed up, taking turns “stealing” Matt for conversations, and trying not to hyperventilate over the group date rose.

Lauren tells Matt that her biggest priority in a relationship is looking for a person of faith like herself. Matt – who, you’ll remember, started off the first cocktail party with a prayer – loves this.

Jessenia has no regrets from the day, and is hesitant about being on The Bachelor because she’s been cheated on in the past. She wants a family so bad she cries a little bit about it. They kiss.

Victoria comes in hot with the hard pitch, and I don’t know why I didn’t see it last week when my friend Amy pointed it out to me, but Victoria is definitely SNL’s Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With! She asks Matt for a kiss and it’s awkward.

Lauren gets the group date rose! Yay! Admittedly, I’m partial to lawyers because I am one, but I also think they would make a strong couple. Victoria the Pettiest is, of course, greatly displeased.

The second one-on-one date is with Sarah, and it’s a ride in an old-timey looking biplane, which they literally fly over where the women are. Everybody waves like this is totally cool and normal.

After flying high, Sarah and Matt sit down for a deep conversation. They talk about the importance of family. Sarah, who said she’s normally a private person, does not take this opportunity to reveal that her dad has ALS. Matt, having apparently been tipped off that Sarah has a Big Secret About Her Dad, wants to go deeper at dinner, which he does, and she eventually tells Matt that she quit her job to be her dad’s caregiver. I actually appreciate this because Sarah, who is a journalist and therefore good with words and stories, gets out a lot of good information about ALS in a very short time. She’s very emotional, which makes sense to me, because the life expectancy of someone with ALS is apparently two to five years, and it’s been five years for her dad. Matt, impressed by Sarah’s selflessness, tells Sarah he’ll pray for her family.

Sarah says it’s hard for her to have left her dad to be on The Bachelor, but her dad wanted her to find love, and she felt called to be there. Matt truly seems to respect and appreciate the gravity of her choice. And then! He asks what he can do through this experience to show her that he’s the kind of person she would want to be with! Have we ever seen a Bachelor do this? That’s so nice!

Sarah, of course, gets the rose. They kiss, and get into a hot tub, and kiss some more. We’ve definitely seen a Bachelor do this.

Cocktail party: Lots of women are nervous and anxious. Abigail talks to him first, and she and Matt make up little signals to send each other when they’re in group situations to let each other know they’re thinking of each other. This was legitimately so cute.

Rachael feels an unspoken connection, and so does Matt. Kit is surprised by how quickly she feels so comfortable with Matt, which falls into the category of “hard pitch” language that contestants use when they have nothing else to say. Magi says she’s a good cook, and Matt can bring the wine. Marylynn tells Matt it’s been a tough week, and she wonders if she did something wrong to not get time with him, but he reassures her by giving her an orchid, which he remembered from their conversation was her favorite flower. Marylynn is blown away by this, because she wasn’t even sure if he remembered her name, and I have a feeling the producers had a hand in this.

Victoria, who describes herself as an empath (which, I know empaths, and Victoria is definitely not an empath), says that Marylynn is “toxic” and brings her complaints straight to Matt. Nothing Victoria says sounds real or sincere. Unfortunately, Matt buys in and concludes that it sounds like Marylynn is “bullying” Victoria.

And then we arrive at the night’s drama, which is Matt confronting Marylynn. It’s uncomfortable, she doesn’t like having to defend herself, and Matt doesn’t know who to believe.

Not surprisingly, none of the other women in the house have seen Marylynn be mean to anyone, even though we know that a person’s public behavior can be very different from who they are in private. Marylynn tries to clear the air with Victoria, and basically Marylynn comes across as calm and mature, and Victoria comes across as childish and petty. Also not surprisingly, Victoria’s actions meant that a lot of women didn’t get time with Matt, and the women, as a group, just aren’t happy. Marylynn seems particularly upset.

Rose Ceremony: Before handing out the roses, Matt tells the women he sees his wife in that room, and although he heard some “concerning” things tonight, he has to follow his heart. Where will it lead?

Tonight, Matt’s heart leads to: Pieper, Kit, Magi, Rachael, Abigail, Chelsea, Jessenia, Katie, Serena C., and then … right in the middle of things, Sarah passes out, and that’s where we end.

Sarah says she’s blacking out. TO BE CONTINUED.

Big spoilers in the trailer for next week, since it looks like Victoria sticks around. Ugh.

Tag scene: Matt and Bri, in the mud, trying to right the tipped quad. They do it! It must be a sign! If they can right an ATV during a pandemic in the middle of the Pennsylvania mountains while surrounded by a camera crew, they can get through anything!