Episode 12: Fantasy Island in the Desert

Question: When an entire season of The Bachelorette takes place at a location that would be, in any other season, an actual location for Fantasy Suite dates, how do you make the penultimate episode/Bachelorette Semi-Finals interesting? Can it be done?  

Let’s find out.

In the tease, Chris Harrison frames it thusly: “Will Tayshia finally find her soulmate, OR will she lose her chance at love … forever?”

Me: NOT FOREVER, CHRIS.

Husband: YES FOREVER, IT IS IN THE CONTRACT.

We begin with Tayshia, on the balcony of her (?) suite, looking contemplatively out into the desert landscape, or maybe just one of the million pools at La Quinta. She’s nervous. Communication and one-on-one time is important, but so is intimacy. She thinks all three guys are great.

And …. The guys are sitting around together hanging out? Usually at this point, the contestants are separate from each other. I mean, the guys are trying, and being polite and honest, and these are clearly three guys who are in touch with their feelings and can communicate them, but really, the only way to describe this is weird.

JoJo’s back! For a talk with Tayshia. She agrees this is stressful. JoJo acknowledges what we all already know, that she definitely had sex with all three guys (aka took their relationships “to the next level”) and in a season of honesty, good, let’s be honest about this too. But JoJo’s pretty much all “yeah, this is tough, but worth it, because you’ll be clear in the end.”

Chris Harrison comes down in the Awkward Room of Guys Who Are All About To Have Sex With The Same Girl and That’s Just How Things Work in Bachelor/ette World So It’s Not Weird At All, Really. He tells the guys this is serious for Tayshia, you guys all better be ready to get engaged, k? He drops the first date card and bails.

Zac opens the card and it’s for Ivan and this is honestly SO WEIRD. Like what are these guys supposed to say to each other now?

Brendan kindly tells Ivan not to screw it up. Zac acknowledges the elephant in the room. They’re all handling this with about as much maturity as a Bachelorette could expect. Ivan leaves, and Zac tells Brendan that he likes Ivan and he’d “let” his sister date him (ahem) but he wouldn’t want his girlfriend dating him, which, weird paternalistic approach to dating and his sister aside, makes sense, I guess?

Date 1: Ivan

As the daytime part of the date begins, Tayshia tells Ivan he seems hot and sweaty (because it is like a MILLION degrees in the desert in the summer) and she may have a way to cool them off. It’s an ice bath! But not just any ice bath! They’re going to attempt to break the world record for “World’s Longest Coldest Kiss!” Which Chris Harrison insists is an actual real thing, and the current record is 5 minutes and 16 seconds.

Helping Chris Harrison officiate is someone he refers to as “Bachelor Nation favorite Big Paulie,” who is just stepping into the role that would normally be played by Fred Willard, may his memory be a blessing.

Tayshia and Ivan climb into the stock tank ice baths, which are recorded at 40 degrees. Chris tells them once they start they cannot separate. They attach their lips and immediately start laughing awkwardly, but they stick with it.

In a voiceover, Tayshia tells us that she was on the verge of going completely numb, but then she and Ivan got into synchronized breathing and it looked like they were going to make it.

Chris Harrison: “Is it just me, or are these cold tubs becoming hot tubs?”

Tayshia: “It was really hot, while being really cold.”

And then they did it! Tayshia and Ivan broke the world record for “World’s Longest Coldest Kiss.” And then they keep kissing. It also looks like the ice bath has legitimately melted around them because that’s how hot it is.

They get a trophy. Streamers are flying. These two break a world record and I think I need to rethink my life goals.

Meanwhile, Brendan and Zac are still chatting in the room talking about how awful it is to imagine what Tayshia’s doing with Ivan. Zac says for him, it’s about trusting Tayshia to do whatever she needs to do to get clarity.

There’s a knock at the door, and a date card is left there. Brendan picks it up and then reads the date card out loud to Zac: “Zac. Let’s explore each other. Love, Tayshia.”

Yikes. Like, I don’t know Brendan, but I also don’t know what he did to deserve having to read that to his romantic rival. Sheesh.

In a voiceover, Zac McConaugheys “alright alright alright.” Ugh. No. Just, no.

Brendan: I don’t know if I liked that one, but it works for you.

Zac: Yeah I’ll take that.

Me: *vomits*

Brendan pretends to puzzle over what “explore each other” means. We all know what it means, Brendan. Brendan struggles with the truth of what’s happening, as though he’s never seen the show.

At the evening part of Tayshia and Ivan’s date, they talk over dinner. They feel invigorated by the fact that they just broke a world record. They can do anything. They imagine their lives together.

Ivan says he doesn’t use the word “love” lightly, and it’s hard for him to show his feelings so much, and he tells her he started falling in love with her a few weeks ago. But now it’s more than that. He can see it all working out. He loves looking into her eyes. He tells her he is undoubtedly falling in love with her. He apologizes for not telling her sooner. She tells him she’s been falling for him too. They kiss.

Tayshia interviews that she needed to hear those words from him, and she’s excited to take their relationship to the next level.

The Fantasy Suite card invites them to “stay as a couple in the fantasy suite,” and I’m guessing that it’s a prop room key they pull out of the envelope.

The Fantasy Suite is a revamped Airstream (I think) trailer, which isn’t quite as not-cute as it sounds. In front of the trailer, there is some champagne and, for some reason, a plate of donuts set out for them, which they spend a little bit of time with before heading into the trailer for the night. I hope it has AC!

The next day, the sun rises over La Quinta. Tayshia – wearing glasses! and super-cute PJs! – and Ivan have coffee while watching the sunrise. Ivan says they stayed up all night talking so they were tired. Sure. Talking. Totally. They feed each other fresh fruit. Ivan reminds her that he’s falling for her. Tayshia interviews that she’s falling in love with Ivan. She thinks they can have a beautiful life together.

Back at the Room Where Guys Pretend That What’s Happening Is Totally Absolutely Normal, Zac and Brendan are chatting. Ivan comes in. They fist bump. Zac and Brendan ask how it went and Ivan … told them. Told them that they went to the Fantasy Suite and didn’t sleep. He told them it was great.

Brendan is struggling with this! So am I! I don’t think we’ve ever seen this on the show before and that is for a reason! Stop this, it’s making me so uncomfortable!

Zac tells Ivan his date card says “let’s explore each other” and the smile drops from Ivan’s face. He interviews that he never thought he’d be in a situation where the day after he tells a girl he’s falling in love with her, and it’s tough. He thinks he has a great relationship with her but he doesn’t know where she stands with the other guys.

Date 2: Zac

Tayshia tells Zac that the date is about expressing their creativity with their bodies.

Zac interviews and says a whole bunch of words that really just amount to “I want to bang Tayshia.”

The date involves painting with their bodies. They start putting paint on each other. Tayshia says they will create a “beautiful canvas of our love!” They pour paint on each other and roll around the canvas. They’re just really hot for each other, these two. It eventually turns into a paint “fight” and they start making out.

Tayshia interviews that she’s a little worried she’s just “caught up in the moment” with Zac. I share this concern.

They lie on the canvas, covered in paint, imagining their life together. It feels a little forced. Tayshia describes what a typical summer day in Orange County would be like and it’s basically fitness and beach and sushi, which sounds about right for the part of Orange County where Tayshia’s from.

They decide to name the canvas “Clarky and the Queen” (Zac’s idea) and then we see them under an outdoor shower, ostensibly washing off all the paint but mostly really just making out.

Zac interviews that he wants to tell Tayshia that he’s falling in love with her. Didn’t he already tell her that? After the fake lie detector test?

That night, it’s a full moon over La Quinta as Zac and Tayshia go to dinner. She is rocking the hell out of a salmon-pink strapless mini-dress. Zac interviews that meeting Tayshia has reconnected a wire in him that was disconnected. He fears she doesn’t know exactly how he feels. He says that now might be the time to stop being a jackass and “actually tell the girl how you feel.”

Zac tells her he appreciates how go-along-girl she is and she reminds him that she puts up a fight sometimes. Good, Tayshia! They talk about how comfortable they are together. But then Tayshia confronts Zac on what his mom said when they met, about him not wanting kids. Zac said he was lying to himself when he said he didn’t want kids and he didn’t want to be single. He reassures Tayshia that he does want to be a dad, and he’ll be a great dad and husband, and that he deserves those things.

Tayshia presses him, telling him that it seems like he’s keeping something from her. She says he looks stressed, and yes he is sweating but that’s because he’s wearing a blazer in the middle of the summer in the desert and he’s sweating his face off, basically. But then, Zac says a bunch of words that amount to him telling her he loves her. He actually says “I think … I don’t think, I know … that I love you.”

And then. Tayshia says it back! She says “I love you too.” Like, enthusiastically and easily says it! She says she’s so happy.

I think … I mean, are we done here? She just told Zac she loves him. In Bachelor/ette world, that wins in a race against “falling in love” with someone. Poor Ivan. Poor Brendan.

There’s zero mystery as to whether they will stay in the Fantasy Suite, which this time is a just a regular old two-floor suite. I hope it has AC!

The next day, the editors try to be clever with sound editing to suggest that we are actually listening to Tayshia and Zac having sex, but really they’re just jumping on the bed. Gotcha, viewers!

Zac interviews that he’s confident in the relationship. They make breakfast together, and he says he feels lucky to be there with her. She makes him feel a way he hasn’t felt. He tells her he loves her, and she loves to hear it. She asks him to say it again. She interviews that she feels “amazing,” and that he’s “intentional” and isn’t saying he loves her “just to say it.”

But, after Zac leaves, she acknowledges that she has feelings for Ivan and Brendan as well, and she could see herself ending up with any of them.

Brendan and Ivan are hanging out in the room, just waiting for Zac to come back? I guess? Zac walks in with a grin on his face that can only mean one thing. Ivan can’t even make eye contact with him. Brendan does what I have a feeling producers made him do and ask Zac how it went.

Brendan tells the guys that he got a date card and it said “let’s see what the future holds.”

Wait, what? Why didn’t we get to see that? Why did we have to see Brendan read “let’s explore each other” to Zac but we just learn, off-hand, what Brendan’s date card said?

Did Brendan do something to hurt the producers? It kind of seems like they’re knives out for him with this episode.

But maybe that’s because they know what’s about to happen next.

Date 3: Brendan

Brendan is nervous going into the date. His concerns pretty much hinge on the fact that he’s been married before and really wants to get it right, if he does it again. He walks out in a short-sleeved button down collarless shirt – not a turtleneck, thankfully! – and black pants. It’s a very cool-and-crisp-in-the-desert look.

Tayshia tells Brendan that there’s a “friend” she wants him to meet and it’s Neil freaking Lane, jeweler for The Bachelor/ette. Brendan seems to have literally *no idea* who he is. They’re going to look at wedding jewelry. Not engagement rings though – but bracelets, earrings, necklaces, and so on. But then they also try on wedding bands.

Honestly it feels like the producers are just trying to mess with Brendan now. I mean, Ivan gets to kiss Tayshia for long enough to break a world record, and Zac gets to roll around in body paint, but Brendan has to be faced with the thing that’s already freaking him out? Why?

It looks like his hands are literally shaking as he’s trying on wedding bands. Neil Lane reminds Brendan that wedding rings are FOREVER, and Brendan interviews that he’s not sure if he’s ready for that.

Tayshia and Brendan sit down and listen to Neil talk about how popular he is with Bachelor/ette nation. He says to Tayshia and Brendan: “I wish you, like, lots of success.” And then he asks Tayshia how the next few weeks look, and what the hell is she supposed to say here? I’m sure she’s not about to divulge her thoughts and feelings to Neil Lane as one of her final three men sits next to her. She says it’s going to be tough but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Neil Lane toasts to them and says whatever path they take, he hopes they find love, and for the love of red roses can we please end this and Brendan’s misery?

Well, actually, Brendan himself is going to end his misery. That night, after Tayshia tells him that since day one she’s felt like she could marry him, Brendan does a very kind and gentle version of “Yeah, about that …” and basically self-eliminates. He tells her that his heart isn’t fully healed, and she deserves someone who is complete.

He then says this: “You deserve a man who is healed from his past, and unfortunately right now I’m not that man.”

Wow. WOW. I didn’t see that coming.

Tayshia, who I’m beginning to think is literally incapable of not always being graceful and gracious and honest and kind, says that a younger version of her would be mad, but she knows what he’s been through, and what she’s been through, and as much as she would love to be with him at the end of this, if he’s not ready, she won’t push him.

She then says this: “I’ve already fought for someone to love me once, I’m not going to do it again.”

WOW. Tayshia. *applause*

Tayshia walks Brendan out. There are tears and hugs and Brendan takes her hands and looks in her eyes and says, with complete and total earnest sincerity, “God bless you.”

Ugh. Everything about this is so sincere and sad. Tayshia was convinced she would be with Brendan at the end of this. I think a lot of us were, Tayshia.

The next morning, Tayshia sits at her table with what looks like a lovely charcuterie board and drinks coffee contemplatively. She says she wants to talk to someone who understands her.

And then! Rachel shows up! Yay! I love Rachel! I listen to her podcasts! She’s a great podcast host! She interviews that she knows what Tayshia’s going through and she’s there “to be the big sister that she never wanted.” Ha! Rachel is the best!

Tayshia tells her about the date with Brendan last night. She’s bummed, but she’s glad it happened last night, because it would have been a lot worse if he stayed and the breakup happened at the next Bachelorette-mandated crossroads, which is also when he would be expected to propose.

Tayshia tells Rachel about the guys. Rachel tells her to trust her gut and be confident in her decision. And then Rachel just up and drops the anvil of the episode by saying that Tayshia’s probably thinking about some of the guys she left behind … right?

Yes. It’s Ben. Tayshia’s thinking about Ben. This is obviously what was teased at the beginning of the show, right? Someone Tayshia doesn’t expect to show up, shows up? I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s not Bennett.

Tayshia says that basically Ben had a hard time opening up, and when she eliminated him, he didn’t show her any emotion. Rachel says it was probably his defense mechanism.

Rachel asks Tayshia if she’s nervous about being proposed to, and she says it’s more excitement.

Ivan’s getting dressed for the Rose Ceremony. He’s wearing a turtleneck. Did he already raid Brendan’s closet or something?

Both guys are confident that they’ll be picked. Which, statistically, yes, they will.

AND THEN. There is Ben. Knocking on Chris Harrison’s door. Ben tells Chris Harrison that he regrets his last interaction with Tayshia and he feels the need to express himself. He’s not sure if he’s asking to be let back into her life, but he just needs to tell her how he feels. Which is, he tells Chris Harrison, that he’s in love with her.

Before-the-Rose-Ceremony (presumably): Tayshia thinks having a Rose Ceremony is important, even though she’s not eliminating anyone. She’s getting ready when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Ben, of course. She didn’t expect him, but it also kind of looks like she’s not entirely surprised by the producers’ fuckery.

She allows Ben in and he wants to explain himself. He tells her he was caught off guard when he didn’t get a rose, and he didn’t know what to do or say. And then he tells Tayshia that he’s in love with her, that he’s been in love with her.

I have to say, this feels way more sincere than Bennet’s desperate “I love you” which was clearly an attempt to get more screen time. I’m not sure it’s any less fucked up though.

It all seems to hit Tayshia at once. He asks if she’s all right, and she says no, she’s not. He says “come here” like a hug from him right now will make her feel better? I don’t think that’s the move, Ben! You’re kind of already forcing yourself on her! In an emotional way! Which you’ve done in the past! When you got naked in front of everyone during the creativity/trauma contest date! Literally nobody asked for that!

She tells him she needs a minute and walks off. She goes into a room with who I assume is a producer. She says she wants to cry, she doesn’t know what to do. “There’s a Rose Ceremony. What do I do with that?”

Fair question, Tayshia. Totally fair.  

But I have some additional questions: Where do the guys go when they’re eliminated? Do they go back to quarantine at La Quinta? Is that how Ben was so ready to just come back — because he never left the bubble? Does this mean that the eliminated guys are all hanging out together? Does Tayshia ever see them?

TO BE CONTINUED

Chris Harrison tells us it’s an emotional ending we won’t believe. I don’t believe you, Chris Harrison!

Tag scene: Zac and Tayshia paint on actual canvases. Fully clothed. Apparently Zac’s favorite colors are red and black. ELIMINATE HIM, TAYSHIA.