Episode 1: Looking For Love in New Mexico
Well, here we go again. Kind of. Some things look familiar (good to see you, overly-long teasers and intros, less so for you, guys desperate to make an “impression” with their entrance), and some things are very new (hello, Hyatt Regency Tamaya just outside Albuquerque, New Mexico, a city that hurt me and that I never wanted to see again, but life is full of twists and turns), but if recent past is prologue – and if certain spoilers hold any truth to them – this is going to be yet another shitshow of a season.
So, here we have Katie, the sex-positive, anti-bullying, feminist (?) hero (??) of Matt James’ sad, problematic season. She’s joyful, because she jumps on a bed. She’s awkward, because she doesn’t know how to pose for photos. She’s relatable, because she appears to have known some legitimately hard times. She’s ready for love.
We also have a video montage of men, of various names and sizes and athletic abilities and demographics and emotional sensitivities, who in turn admire Katie for things like “what she stands for” and “being a real girl,” which isn’t bad, I guess, but it also feels like they’re saying it because they think it will make them sound good. Oh, and there’s also a virgin.
Now here we have Kaitlyn and Tayshia, former Bachelorettes themselves, sneaking up on a very nervous Katie who apparently was led to believe her season wouldn’t have a host, and telling her that they’re going to help her on this journey.
The limos arrive. Katie greets the men, and the men greet Katie. One jumps out of a truck bed filled with brightly colored plastic balls because he’s fun. One drives up in an old-timey car and fakes a British accent because he’s quirky. One pulled his underwear out of his pants because he’s gross. One arrives up in a cat costume and I’m extremely glad he didn’t make any pussy jokes. One shows up with a blow-up doll and a few make some sexual innuendo and it’s super cringey but Katie seems to like it? And on and on it goes. There’s also a guy in a box.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and Tayshia do their best Statler and Waldorf from behind a window, except they’re happy and giggly and supportive.
Katie enters the party, and as she talks with the guys, we see that many of them look very sweaty, even though it seemed like Katie was shivering outside, and if the producers decided to deliberately overheat the room of already-overheated guys, I’m ok with it. Her first kiss of the night is with a guy named Justin, who painted a heart made of roses, or something, and guess what I still don’t love watching people make out on TV.
The guy who showed up in the RV, which Katie diplomatically describes as “lived in,” makes multiple stranger-danger and roofie “jokes” and definitely mistakes Katie’s politeness for being “into it” and please, producers, get this person off my TV ASAP KTHX.
Another one who can get off my TV is the one guy who randomly picked a fight with another guy? For reasons I don’t understand? It was weird and seemed unnecessarily aggressive, so he can go.
You know who can stay on my TV though? The guy in the cat outfit, Connor B., who has committed to the bit by keeping the costume and makeup on. He is the second to kiss Katie, and he seems sincerely into her and she gets some of his cat makeup on her face and it’s really cute.
He doesn’t get the first impression rose though. That goes to Greg, who seems overjoyed, and they kiss. He seems like a totally normal guy who may be in a little bit over his head so I’m kind of rooting for him so far.
The sun is rising over Tamaya, so it must be Rose Ceremony time!
Roses go to a bunch of guys who I don’t yet know because it’s just night one, but it includes Cat Guy (Connor B.), Box Guy (ok?) and, thankfully, not creepy RV guy (hooray!).
But if I’m being totally honest, my favorite part of the night was when Kaitlyn and Tayshia came in and gave the “final rose” warning, and then returned to tell those who didn’t get a rose to say their goodbyes. The prior host is not missed.
Ah, yes. The Bachelorette is back! Let’s do this!
Tag scene: Kaitlyn and Tayshia drinking champagne and being funny. I’d watch two hours of the three of them, for sure.
